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8/25/05: Guest Blogger Mark Leyner Checks In
 "When I was eight, I was sent to live on the melon farm of an uncle -- a
sixth-grade dropout who attributed his IQ of 70 to sniffing gasoline and glue
from the age of five, and whose manner of compulsively clawing at the skin
behind his neck was a characteristic sign of methamphetamine toxicity. One
morning he served me a cereal that consisted of sweetened corn puffs and
marshmallow, hook-nosed, bearded "Jews." I asked him never to serve that cereal
to me again. The next morning, he set a heaping bowl of the same cereal on my
place mat. I killed him with a 12-gauge shotgun blast before lunch. That night I
buried him in the cyclone cellar. I stole his pickup truck and drove out to a
huge diesel-run electric turbine plant near the outskirts of the city and I had
my first sexual experience. Afterward, I lit a cigarette and looked up into the
sky -- there was God, wearing a pink polo shirt, khaki pants, and brown Top-Siders
with no socks, his blond hair blowing in the powerful wind of charged particles
and intense ultraviolet radiation from the galactic center. I hated him. And he
hated me."
Thus begins Mark Leyner's 1992 Magnum Opus Et Tu, Babe, one of four books
I bought the other day at Barnes and Noble. I have purchased this book three
times before, and I lost each copy. What would end up happening is that, after
proselytizing about the book, I would lend it to someone. This person would
inevitably not find it as brilliant as I did, and then they would compound their
poor taste by failing to return it. One person even lost my autographed
copy. Gas face to them. Well, I'm not lending this copy out, so you can
buy your own copy if you like it, or
read a bit more here if you're not sure.
Me, I've come to accept that Leyner's salad days are behind him, even if I bring
him up
from time to time...these days he's writing
lame reference books for people to read on the crapper. But it looks
like it's selling (#3 on Amazon), so good for him if he makes a few quid off it.
Leyner was hyper-competitive when it came to marketing his books, going so far
as to kidnap and torture other writers who thought they might one day be as good
as him. So I figured he'd be the right guy to go to to settle a couple raging
questions from yesterday's post. I checked in with him on AOL Instant Messenger
this evening, and here's the transcript:
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HansBungle219: Hey Mark, it's Hans. How ya
doing?
Trezza522: Hey Hans, great posts lately. Top-notch stuff. No quality
dropoff whatsoever since the birth of the kid. Congratulations, btw.
HansBungle219: Thanks, did you get a chance to read today's post yet?
Trezza522: Yeah, I was just reading through
the comments when I got your IM...seems like pb dot c and gb dot p
take their alma maters' party reps pretty seriously.
HansBungle219: Yeah...well, who do you think is right?
Trezza522: Hans, it doesn't matter...those ratings are silly and
subjective. You could have four wild years at The Citadel or you could
spend four years cooped up in a library at Colorado-Boulder reading about
life instead of living it. It's all about the ten best buddies you make;
they'll determine how much fun you have. If you absolutely need to know my
opinion, I'd say gb dot p was right in the specifics of the argument as it
relates to the princeton review list. It seems like UVM just didn't make
the grade, for whatever reason. Maybe I'm wrong, I didn't really read all
the links pb sent in defending his case. But the initial argument was
about the PR list, and then pb changed the playing field to the Playboy
list, which indeed maybe UVM begged out of. That said, UVM is a hell
of a campus for partying -- I once inhaled something called Stephen
Douglas's Morning Breath at a house party in Burlington, not sure what it
was but it sure got me stoned off my ass. I don't know how they got left
off the PR list. Anyway, in the loving spirit of "partying" that warms
frostbitten students at both campuses, I hope these two fine men can
accept that both schools rock the house.
HansBungle219: Fine, we'll call that one a draw and wish them both many
nights of collegiate-style, balls-exposed frivolity in the months to come.
But what do you think about the Chris Makepeace Situation (band name)?
Trezza522: Easy: 5 points to D. Lee for getting us in the ballpark, 12
points for Dam!!!N brit for answering the question exactly. We're
not looking for vague responses here -- if D. Lee wanted the 17 points
badly enough he could have IMDB'd My Bodyguard and come up with the kid's
name.
HansBungle219: Thanks, Mark. You're right, of course. Thanks for your time
and congrats on the sales of the new book.
Trezza522: Thanks...say, do you think you could give me a shoutout in
tomorrow's post? I can always use some free press.
HansBungle219: Consider it done. Late.
Trezza522: Late. |
So that's that. Let's all party down together.
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Whodat (20 points)?
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