8/8/5: Our Bad

Here at verbungle.com, there has always been a set of core values that we pride ourselves on living up to. They're posted by the fax machine on the 3rd floor, on the conference room door on 7, and they are available on our company's internal website with just a click of your mouse. In addition, each January we make 1000 laminated wallet-size copies that we distribute to our employees and their families. They are also stenciled on the back of the limited edition Verbungle.com Fred Perry track suits that we give our staff each Christmas. These values have been part of the company since 1937, when my great grandfather wrote them down on an adult diaper as he lay dying in his hospital bed. What I'm trying to say is we take them very seriously. I can list a few of them for you right here: accuracy, integrity, fairness, objectivity, potatoes, equality, Zoom, Schwartz, and occasionally Profigliano.

Yesterday, my friends, in the search for a laugh that never came, we besmirched the name of our dear friend Kissel, and in doing so we violated at least 4 of our core values. It is a dark day here at the office. Here's what exactly took place: We exaggerated a story from 3rd grade in order to dress it up and make it shorter and funnier, and in the process we made Kissel look like a bad guy. We even used his real name, which was an honest mistake but not a forgivable one. We have retracted the story, and now we can give it to you accurately to help make amends. The true story goes like this: in 3rd grade, a huge, poorly adjusted immigrant kid named Ali Hakim threw a Stratego piece that hit Kissel in the head. Kissel went over and calmly punched Ali in the nose.  There was blood. And Ali never threw a Stratego piece at Kissel again. The End.

Kissel, I hope you accept our apology; the joke was mainly meant to be shared by you and me, but of course there are at least 6 other people who probably came across it, and it was wrong. It was unnecessarily and inaccurately critical of who you were in 3rd grade. You were basically just another kid like me and Polly and Ali Hakim. We all had our moments. Your actions were justified. You are my best friend and I hope you weren't wounded.  Although if you slipped Polly the creeper at one of D. Lee's sick 5th grade fleshfests, I am not speaking to you.

Other than insulting my homey, it was a damn fine weekend. By the universally accepted PbdotC standard I would give it a $$$: Super Triple Cash Money. Here's how it broke down:

-basketball games played/won: 3/3
-softball games played/won: 2/2
-called shots hit by me: zero
-laundry loads done: 6
-friends telling me I look like I lost weight: 1 (thanks, Chris H.)
-cute baby moments: about 164
-beers consumed: 1 (12 oz. Bud can)
-Gatorade consumed: 160 ounces
-soft long sleeve Old Navy T-shirts purchased: 2
-eBay auctions entered/won: 1/1 (my first eBaying since 1999, and I got a brand new pair of comfy Huarache basketball shoes for $75 including shipping. I have the same model now and they cost me $100 two years ago)
-career-ending injuries suffered: 0
-baby cameos at softball games: 1
-grocery store runs completed: 1
-Sunday Night anxiety attacks weathered: 1
-delicious chocolate chip cookies eaten: 1

So as you can see it was a solid weekend. Great to see the fellas at softball. Big Jim Lang promises a recap. And basketball was also intensely satisfying. If I can only play one sport for the next ten years, that's the one.

I am going to buy a scale because they make you lose weight. Right?

For 20 points, tell me what 1989 or '90 music video these two schmucks are imitating. For 8 more, tell me whodat?

Big Jim Lang, who unfortunately turned out to be pretty accurate in his interpretation of the Peter Jennings diagnosis, had more sobering information today. He works in the news biz, and he told us that they had already prepared all their graphics for a potential shuttle explosion tomorrow. Not that they necessarily think it's going to happen, but they have to be prepared. I hope it goes OK for those poor spacemen. And after they land safely, I hope we pull the plug on the space program and divert that money someplace useful.  Enough with the friggin' space.