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That Can Undermine Your Suspension of Disbelief
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5/6/5: Unsolicited Advice Friday When I was out at the bar the other night for my co-worker's sendoff, I spent a few minutes talking to a guy who used to work for me. That's right, as hard as it is to fathom, there was a time, before I transferred to my new department, when I used to be a boss. A timid, ineffectual boss, but a boss in some small way nonetheless. Valsmal and Joe M. both reported to me at some point. Anyway, I am talking to this guy at the goodbye party, we'll call him Jaco, and he is regaling another guy, who's only been there about a year, with tales of what things used to be like when I was running the show. He made it sound like an absolute free for all, and the new guy was cracking up and shaking his head that such stupidity ever reigned in our office. Jaco told him that I only had one rule: No Throwing Things I don't know if that's completely accurate; I think there may have also been a "No Screaming" rule or something like that.* The ironic thing is that now that I have become a worker bee again (by choice) with no direct reports, one of my favorite things to do in the office is throw stuff around. In fact, that's one of my favorite activities, period. To think that I was denying this huge part of who I am because I wanted to maintain order and (unsuccessfully) attempt to portray our department as a bunch of dedicated professionals is an excellent reminder to me that I made the right decision by getting my ass out of a position of authority. Even small authority. Another thing I don't miss is feeling responsible for the actions and attitudes of other people. Joe and Val were never a problem (except when Joe unleashed his stress by standing atop his chair and squawking like a chicken), but of course some people were. I hated having to discipline people (which is why I rarely did it), and I hated being a dumping ground for everyone's personal problems and disputes. I was the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here's to my return to good honest shitsacking and to my devastating lack of ambition. *** Dear First Round Draft Picks, Prior to riding motorcycles, please refer to the clause in your contract explicitly forbidding you from doing so. If this language is not strong enough to dissuade you, please refer to the careers of Jay Williams and Kellen Winslow, Jr. If you still feel the need to ride a stupid motorcycle, be aware that you may soon be financially incapable of owning one. You fucking morons. Your Advisor, Hans Q. Bungle ***
When Red Sox fans are feeling sorry for you and telling you how fucked up your team is, it's time to take some action. Therefore, I present the Verbungle.com Outline for the Return to Yankee Dominance. Just a few steps that the Yankee brass can take to get the ship sailing smoothly again. 1. Fire Kevin Brown Immediately. I know firing an athlete is a radical move, especially considering Brown has a guaranteed contract, but I suggest that someone request his presence upstairs and then hand him his walking papers. Give him two weeks' pay and maybe another ten grand in severance, and then simply stop paying him. Sure, he'll sue, and he'll win, but there will be something satisfying about a pitcher with these stats being forced to sue for wrongful termination. I mean, the league is hitting .380 against him. When was the last time the league hit .400 against a particular pitcher? O Elias Sports Bureau, these are the questions Kevin Brown is causing us to ponder. I was recently wondering why I hate Brown so much. Is it just his terrible job performance? That isn't fair, I thought, hating someone for failing when they are presumably trying just as hard as everyone else. Then I remembered a few things, like when he broke his hand punching a wall last September, and it became clear again: The Guy is a Dick. And a creepy-lookin' one at that. He needs to go, even if it means we eat every last dime of his contract. Which is what it looks like we'll have to do. 2. Fire Mattingly. Joe M. has predicted that this will take place, and I can't say I'd be sorry if it did. I know he's a legend, but the facts are that the team is not hitting the way it should. If he wasn't "Donnie Baseball," he'd be gone already, and right now is a time to be ruthless rather than sentimental. Maybe they can find a delicate way to do it, like saying he'll be back as batting coach in 2008. That shit worked in the past. 3. Move Sojo to the vaunted "Bench Coach" role and move Girardi to 3rd base coach. Sojo has proven in the last year and change to be completely lacking in the fundamental skills required to be a 3rd base coach. He doesn't understand game situations, he takes poor, illogical gambles at critical moments, and based on his decisions you'd have a hard time believing he had even a basic understanding of the sport. In other words, this guy is the next Zimmer. A nutjob mascot type with terrible instincts whose job is to sit next to Torre and give him lousy advice that somehow pays off beautifully in the end. What I'm saying is that I think Sojo has magic inside him and we need to tap it. Plus, Girardi was a damn fine baserunner in his day and he seems like a nice, small-minded man perfectly suited to make small-minded decisions like "Go" and "Stop!" 4. Fire Cashman. Why not? The guy had a nice run a few years ago, but based on recent history, if he was your friend and you were at the race track together, you'd be driving him home for his own good right now. Jared Wright? Career ERA: 5.19. And he's pitched over 150 innings only twice in eight big league seasons (and don't look for this season to be the 3rd). By the way, the league is hitting .400 off him this year. A-Rod? A decision based more on ego than on need. And if there was ever a contract capable of impacting the Yankee payroll, it's his. Womack? Nice guy, but not an effective enough hitter to make him an improvement over Cairo. Then there's Kevin Brown and Kenny Lofton and Paul Quantrill and a bunch of other aging stiffs he's brought in over the last few years who haven't paid off. Letting Lieber go was probably a mistake as well. And El Duque? What exactly did he do to make us give up on him? I know his arm was falling off at the end of the season last year, but it's made of rubber and he always bounces back. Even with that arm he gave us 5 innings of 3 run ball against the Red Sox in the ALCS. 5. Acquire a lunatic. Maybe Wells, who's already beginning to wear out his welcome in Boston. What we need is one crazy guy who constantly says and does stupid stuff, to take the heat off the rest of these humorless drones. Most great teams have at least one guy who's either a barrel of laughs or a complete train wreck or both. Someone who keeps the players loose, the fans happy, and the reporters busy. We need one. Pedro would have been perfect. 6. Find a new catcher by next season. Posada is looking very, very creaky. He's still better than most, but it's time to start looking for a replacement. 7. Donate whatever funds are necessary to scouting and developing at least two minor league prospects in the next three or four years. I'm not kidding myself into thinking the Yankees can rebuild their depleted farm system overnight, and I know we'll always be a "buy" franchise rather than a "grow" one, but it's important to remember how much of the recent dynasty came from within. Guys like Rivera, Jeter, Posada, Bernie, Pettitte, etc. Those guys all grew up together (Bernie aside) and they formed a genuine nucleus that was bolstered by acquired stars. If nothing else, growing your own talent means something to the fans. It feels more honest for some stupid reason. 8. Get a real DH. Somebody slow with a big ass who whacks the shit out of the ball on a consistent basis. I just don't have confidence that a post-roids Giambi is ever going to be that guy again. 9. Find our swagger. Even as fans, we need to remind ourselves that we are better than everyone else (even though this is of course completely untrue). I myself struggle with my Yankee affiliation every day, and that is not right. If we are going to be the Evil Empire, we have to accept that title and run with it. No more showing signs of weakness. Stick our chests out and thrust our jaws forward and remind everyone that this is just a rough patch. We are dicks. We are the wolf with the bloody teeth sitting on top of the hill baying at the moon. We can't get all depressed just because we haven't killed in awhile. 10. Give Flash Gordon another month to find himself, and if he's still struggling, get a Super Setup Man from a team looking to cut costs. It seems like these guys sprout up every year or so, and there should be a new one coming in any day now. We'll probably have to give up whatever's left in our farm system, which sort of conflicts with number 7, but that's OK, we have a couple of years to fix that. We should apply this same principle to getting a decent starting pitcher later this summer. 11. Be patient. I know this goes in the face of everything I just said, but these guys are gonna hit. It's only May 6th. They'll probably win 90 games if you leave 'em be. That might be enough to sneak into the playoffs, and while it probably won't be, it's better than stripping everything down and rebuilding now. Rebuilding is for the weak. We are merciless Yankee fans who demand a winning team every year, and now is no time to give up on that principle. I'll never say fire Torre or get a new closer. I feel like we owe those guys the right to decide for themselves when their run is done. Yes, I know this is stupid of me, especially in light of recent evidence that their run may indeed be done. *** Since yesterday's beerdat competition was about as self-indulgent as it gets (who really gives a shit what beer I drank on one particular night in 1985?), and since Deion was there and still can't answer it, I am going to give five genius points to Pete B. for his appropriately sarcastic answer of "I guess a million beers, including the correct one." Right on. Foster's Lager was part of your list, I presume, so you're getting five points. We're also giving MGBC ten points for her guess that some of the drunk pictures from last week were taken at Alligator Alley. She's probably right, and should get the full twenty points, but I am unwilling to fully accept the fact that I ever spent significant time at Alligator Alley, let alone dropped my pants there. Today we just have one contest. A GISG, answers at noon, 25 points on the line. Warning: this may be too tough to waste your time with, but it's Friday so what the hell else you gonna do? Plus, I thought "poopypants" was an easy one, so what the hell do I know? For newbies, here are the rules to the GISG (or Google Image Search Game): 1. I will post an image, CLEARLY LINKED from this page, and
that will be the image of the day. * Anyone who was part of our ridiculous department can feel
free to chime in if they remember more rules. Or if you weren't part of it,
chime in with some rules that every department should have. |
