5/4/5: 6 (well, 8 if you count M & T) Stories High 

Jeff Van Gundy can be a little smug with the press, but that in no way changes the fact that David Stern is the most power-mad, control-freakin' commissioner in pro sports.  Fining a guy 100 grand for something he said? WTF? And then threatening to ban him for life for something he said? The way I see it, either Van Gundy and/or his source are lying, in which case Stern shouldn't have anything to worry about, or he's telling the truth, in which case how can Stern fine him? Is Stern ashamed of the league's officiating practices? And is what VG said that big a fucking deal? Sheesh. He didn't say the NBA is corrupt, he basically just whined about what he viewed as their decision to listen to Mark Cuban's whining. And now he potentially faces a lifetime ban? Stern, help yourself to a gold-plated gas face, we'll take it out of the $20 million a year or whatever it is you pay yourself.

First round NBA playoff series in order of watchability (0 = unwatchable, 2 = almost as good as "Jake in Progress", 5 = holds your attention, barely, 8 = riveting, 10 = better even than "Real World/Road Rules Challenge")

1. Houston-Dallas: 9.1
2. Seattle-Sacramento: 8.2
3. Washington-Chicago: 8.0
4. San Antonio-Denver: 7.7
5. Phoenix-Memphis - 6.8
6. Philly-Detroit: 5.2
7. Indiana-Boston: 4.8
8. NJ-Miami: 3.9

Also, I ponied up the $6 a month so I can get an additional 5 HD channels. Now all my NBA playoff action is in beautiful HD, except, inexplicably, some of the games on ABC.

EJ asks: "Do we think Brian C.'s domination of the lyric stumpah will bring cW out of early retirement?"

I dunno.  I think it's too late for cW to catch the pack on this round of stumpage, so I think he'd be wise to sit it out and avoid a crushing loss like Michael Jordan suffered against Orlando in the '95 playoffs. He needs to rest and come back totally focused if he ever returns. That said, Brian C. has provided him with a real and formidable challenge, should there be a Stumpah III. It will be interesting to watch this develop.

I got a call from a good friend today who shall remain nameless. I wasn't at my desk, so he just left a message. Within the span of a sentence, he said "I was thinking of you" and "I just shit my pants." It's good to have friends like that.

Book my mom just gave me that I am about to read: "Eleven Stories High: Growing Up in Stuyvesant Town, 1948-1968", by Corinne Demas.  I will be sure to pass along any and all squirrel-related passages to you.

I went to the doctor for a checkup today. So far, everything's normal*, although I won't get all my blood results until later this week. I purposely wore un-raggedy underwear in case the doc needed to handle my frank n' beans, but she didn't go near it. Do you think she's shy? Aren't they supposed to jostle your frank n' beans once every year or so? Is it because she was a woman that she didn't do it? I hope the f n' b are okay. I also question why the doc didn't say to me at any point, "Look, mac, you gotta lose about twenty pounds or you're gonna keel over at fifty." No mention of losing weight or anything. I guess maybe she was too frightened about the prospect of handling my f n' b, which were bulging visibly through my fresh drawers, and so she lost all sense of professionalism.  Oh well, she's better than the crazy Transylvanian vampire lady that cW and Big Jim Lang and I used to go to. 

Sorry about Snarfgate. Hopefully you'll cruise through today's GISG. And wheredat? 20 points each, answers at noon HST please. Also, just a hint: For multiple-word GISG answers, you should try your guesses both within quotes and without them.

Good luck and best wishes to Tony Pierce, who just lost his day job. I've never been fired/let go/downsized/shitcanned, etc. in my life, but I know it can't be fun. I still remember when cW lost his gig at the FN, and we drowned his sorrows at Coyote Ugly, of all the horrible places in the world. He almost got in a fistfight with some guy who had recently been fired for sexual harassment and didn't think cW's dismissal was serious enough to warrant sympathy/free shots. I had to separate the two of them, and once they calmed down, I headed to the john for a piss. Upon my return, I was stunned to see cW face down on the bar receiving a somewhat erotic deep tissue massage from the guy he was about to square off with moments earlier.  That's the spirit of camaraderie we all need during tough times.

* Except for my Congenital Megaphallus, which may one day require surgery.