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11/21/05: He's a Super Party Animal, his name is...

I read crappy magazines so you don't have to.

In the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, there is an awesome interview with Mr. Billy Joel. I was surprised to discover that Billy Joel the human being is almost as annoying as Billy Joel the recording artist. My favorite quote:

"I've always admired guys who walked away at the top of their game. DiMaggio did it. I've had my time in the sun."

Wow. Where to start. Firstly and most obviously, there are a lot of people who come to mind as Billy Joel's athletic equivalent before JOE DIMAGGIO. I was thinking maybe World B. Free, because each man compiled a lifetime of big numbers without ever contributing anything meaningful to society. But then I realized that at least World B. Free had style. Billy Joel has no style.

Billy Joel = Dave Kingman

Another thing that bothers me about the quote is BJ's assertion that DiMaggio, and by extension BJ himself, "walked away at the top of their game."

Joe DiMaggio's average season for his first twelve years: .329, 29 HR, 122 RBI
Joe DiMaggio's thirteenth and final season: .262 12 HR, 71 RBI

Maybe John Elway or Pete Sampras or Barry Sanders would have been a better example of a guy who walked away on top.

When it comes to BJ himself, I guess he figures he went out at the top of his game because his final "pop" album*, released in 1993, did contain a couple of top 40 singles in "River of Dreams" and "All About Soul". But can you honestly say you've ever listened to either of those songs without getting a powerful urge to stab yourself in the throat?

No. Those songs do not represent anyone at the top of his game, not even someone whose game was as consistently mediocre as Billy Joel's. In fact, those songs aren't even .262 12 HR, 71 RBI.

Billy Joel's average for all his albums prior to the final one: crap
Billy Joel's final album: unbelievable crap

Billy also wants to clear something up:

"I've seen references to my drinking Jack Daniels," he says indignantly. "I only drank scotch. Dewar's White Label."

One more quote:

"(As a kid) I didn't like rich people. And now I am one."

Thanks Billy!

***

Not all that memorable a weekend. Went to the dentist. Did 6 loads of laundry. Squeezed in a little basketball and felt old. Went to a one-year old's birthday party in Brooklyn. Baby birthday parties aren't really my scene, I reckon. Finished my book. Ran into EJ as she jogged through Stuytown. God bless her and everybody else who has the energy and discipline to run. That is way beyond me.

As I was meticulously scrubbing down the old balls in the shower today, I calculated that I have now lived for 13,272 days. The average 13,272 day-old male American honky has 14,965 days left, so if I cut down on the Chunky Chews and avoid getting trampled by a herd of bison, I'm probably a little less than halfway home. In terms of quality, though, I've probably used up about 62% of my enjoyable moments in life. I'm assuming that once I hit 70, every waking minute will be consumed with nagging joint pain and thoughts of death's rapid approach. So those days almost shouldn't count. Kinda depressing.

Of my 13,272 days, I've probably only used 230 or so of them wisely. But I've had a good time on about 10,500, so I can't worry too much about the mistakes and the missed opportunities. Fun comes first. That said, I would like to use my next 300 days in some kind of a strategic manner, because if I live them right they could make the ensuing 14,665 days much more pleasurable. And if I fuck 'em up, grey skies will be rolling in. We'll just have to see.

I'd like to live a long life. Even when it's not all blowjobs and mashed potatoes, this earth is a good place to be.

For the bevdat competition, we have no winner. I was drinking Coke! Out of a Pepsi cup! Can you imagine? That's because the mondo gas station across the way from my office has a huge soda machine that offers both Coke and Pepsi. Unheard of. I drank that whole cup down and then I started to tremble.

I had so much fun looking back at "Whitey House '87" the other day that I have decided to create a numbered version from which I will draw the next few trivia challenge questions. The rules are gonna work like this:

1. I will ask a question or describe an event relating to somebody in the picture, and you chime in with the number of the person who you think I'm talking about.
2. One guess to a person.
3. Ten points for each correct answer.
4. Withey House alumni may not guess until a certain amount of time (to be listed along with the question) has passed. Then we will open it up to them as well for a reduced value of 5 points per question.
5. I will try to stay away from any questions that may completely humiliate the person in question. Nothing about who hooked up with who, etc.

Here's today's scenario. About two weeks into my first semester in college, my roommate and another guy from our dorm floor and I took the bus out to West Towne Mall to do a little shopping. The guy who was not my roommate gave me a long speech about how important "fashion" was to him, how much he loved clothes and the art of looking good. He gave me this speech as he was trying on and then purchasing a White Spuds McKenzie sweatshirt at JC Penney. Tell me the number of this joker. Withey alums, you may answer at 11pm HST Monday 11/21/2005, assuming the right answer has not been given by then.

Weird. I just checked my post from two years ago, and I was also pondering death and old age on that day:

11/21/3:

I rode the bus to work today. I like that the bus is the transport of choice for old people. There's some dignity in a nice bus ride that you just don't find on the subway. What interests me is how there are about 10 choice seats at the front of the bus clearly designated for the elderly and/or disabled, yet the old people are loathe to sit in them. It's as if by sitting in those empty seats they would be accepting their own creeping mortality, and to sit in a regular seat next to another person is to celebrate life and the elbow-brushing city they love. I wonder if I'll do that. I hope I get the chance.

* Before he "retired" to compose classical music (!)