11.11.5

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The next time you hear from me, you will be hearing from a multi-millionaire, courtesy of the Illinois State Lottery.

The Friday jackpot is 262 million dollars. My share of the winnings will be one third of that, or roughly 87.3 million. I will choose the "lump sum" option, leaving me maybe $30 million after taxes (?).

That's a lot of Monet*.

You're probably wondering why I only get a third of the pot, how I got involved with the Illinois State Lottery, and how I could possibly be so certain I'm going to win.

In order:

-I am splitting the winnings three ways, with my buddies Vic and "Special." We call Special "Special" because in a moment of turbo-charged drunken bravado at Around the Clock back in 1999, he ordered the "2 Egg Special, with 10 additional eggs, please." Not only did he eat every last one of those dozen delicious eggs, but he enjoyed a nice calamari appetizer as well. Anyway, the three of us are going in on this thing together, 20 bucks a man, split everything down three ways.

-Vic lives in Chicago, so he is buying the tickets. It was also his idea to enter. Thank you Vic!

-The reason I know we are going to win is because for the last year and a half, Vic has been haunted by the number 11, and more specifically 11:11. Everywhere he looks, that number is right there. I wish I could remember all the weird 11:11's that have come his way, but I don't. What I do know is that 11:11 must signify something, and I feel confident that Vic has figured it out. It's the date of the lottery he is destined to win. So I am honored that he asked me to participate. I would send him the Monet to cover my $20 immediately, but I figure he can just subtract it from my $87.3 million. If (somehow) we don't win, I will send him $14 in the mail.**

Vic called and left me a message yesterday, encouraging me to spend the next 48 hours fantasizing about what I'll do with all the cash. I like that advice.

Obviously, I'll save a lot of the Monet in some kind of secure account. I am not going to end up no Curtis Sharp. I will also give a whole bunch to charity, but you don't care about that. And I will certainly make some outrageous, immensely stupid purchases for myself, my friends and my family, because that's The Bungle Way.

But all that big-picture crap is boring, and we'll get to it in due time. What I want to address right now are the small-scale changes in my life that will come from my newfound wealth. Here are a few:

-The winner of this round of Geniusmaker will receive $1200 in cash. So step up if you know some answers. Get in the game, people.

-I will continue going to work every day, but I will do so dressed up as that scary mascot guy from the Burger King ads. If anyone has a problem, they can let me know.

-I will buy this computer, and I'll load it up with cool shit. I will use a new web publishing program to publish this website.

-I will buy the negative and all the rights to the Xavier McDaniel-choking-Wes Matthews photo.*** I will have it reproduced 50' x 70' on the side of a building downtown. A building which I will buy if necessary. The word "Sonics" on Xavier McDaniel's jersey will be replaced by the word "Verbungle," and the "Lakers" on Wes Matthews' jersey will be replaced by "Suckers". In the lower right hand corner the words "Stop the Violence" will be tastefully added.

-I will buy roughly $37,000 worth of cool gadgets. No Rokr phone though.

-I will have John Paciorek jerseys made up for everyone I know.

-I will hire a personal trainer.

-I will buy fifty bags of cheese puffs.

-I will no longer do my own laundry.

-Like Jerry Lewis, I will never wear the same pair of socks twice.

-I will fly to Chicago for a weekend of intense celebration. While there, I will high-five dozens of people, some of them ironically, most of them not. I will also use the "Johnson, party of One" joke approximately 30 times. I will laugh each time.

-I will hire a full-time assistant/columnist. $72,000 a year plus bennies. Sign up now and send résumés.

-I will buy a fully restored 1973 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. White. I will park it on the street. Vanity plate suggestions are welcome.

-I will buy a home, and in this home I will have five fridges dedicated to Gatorade.

-I will play basketball three times a week. I will develop a sweeping hook shot.

-I will hire an elite fighting team and with them I will sneak into the hills of Alqaedastan and come out with Osama in cuffs, whining like a witty bitty bitch. Or maybe I'll let them go without me.

As I think of more things, I will list them. In the meantime, know that I will continue providing high-quality content right here on the old bungle.

For twelve points in the suddenly-meaningful round of Geniusmaker, tell me: whodat?

* New slang term for cash
** $20 minus the $6 I lent him to cover his friend Toby's cover charge at the Regent Street Retreat all-you-can-eat brunch buffet in 1990. He wrote me a check but I never cashed it. In general, I don't cash $6 checks.
*** BJL has actually corresponded with the photographer and I'm sure we can work something out.