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10/7/04: I bet the Boz uses a Mac In yesterday's comments, cW invoked one of the great philosophers of the last 50 years: Brian Bosworth. The book cW cites, The Boz, is an underappreciated masterpiece and I urge all of you to track down a copy. During my sophomore year at the University of Wisconsin, I was lucky enough to find a used hardcover edition in the $1 bin, and over the next few years it provided a great blueprint for me as a young man trying to find his way in the heartland. Remember just how harsh and unforgiving Bosworth's
introduction to Pro Football was? There was Bo Jackson, then there was the
But there is this book, this mighty book -- The Boz --
that lives on. If you can find a copy, and I hope you can, it will change your
life. The basic thrust of the book is "be yourself, especially if you're cool
like me." But it's so much more than that. It describes his freeway
navigation technique, which he calls "diagonal driving." This involves going
about a hundred miles an hour in the right lane and then whipping the car
violently and suddenly across five lanes into the far left. He also talks of
pranks he pulled during his pre-football career as a blue collar worker: You might be thinking, So yes, there were many lessons to be learned just from reading the Boz's tales of youthful merriment. But like any philosopher worth his salt, the Boz didn't want to leave his legacy open to any sort of interpretation by future generations. He wanted to make his beliefs perfectly clear. So he set down The Boz Commandments, a step by step guide to life that rings true to this day. I won't list them all for you right now, because I want you to buy the book (and also because I can't remember more than a couple). Here is a sample. I. People that hate you hate themselves. I like this one because it allows you to be as big an asshole as you like while blaming others. Wow, you got pissed when I put a june bug on your Whaler sandwich? You must really hate yourself. II. Only one face to a person. This one is also useful. It can be interpreted as, if you're an asshole, be an asshole all the time. Don't flip-flop. Stay the course. Like I said, the Boz knew what the deal was. Read up and live right. *** If you are as immature as I am, you might enjoy this site. And you know I still have that spotted dick in my desk drawer. *** I kept meaning to formally predict this on the site, but I never got around to it. So you're just going to have to take my word for it. I knew Pedro was going to hit 94+ mph on the radar gun during this postseason, despite topping off in the high 80's for much of the season. And I was right. I swear. Don't doubt me. I've been dead on balls accurate about the Yankees-Twins so far: "After Santana shuts down the Yankee bats in Game 1, Jeter is going to have to provide an emotional spark and a couple of dazzling moments* on the field if the Yankees are to win this series." I just thought I'd point that out before all my predictions went to shit. *** Finally, I think it's time I hit you with another sample of the freakish search phrases that have somehow led people to verbungle.com.** 1. wade boggs 72 beers I think I need to consider starting this site over again from scratch. *** * 1) Led off game with homer into black seats in center, 2)
scored on short sac fly to win game. |
bum shoulder, and then some mumblings about his contract, and then it was done.
And that's where we all misunderestimated the Boz. Because he was such a
complete failure as a pro athlete, his unique philosophical vision has largely gone overlooked. 
"What a dick!" But The Boz was more
than just a dick. To dismiss him so quickly would be to miss the
underlying message behind his antics. Which is, "Stop worrying! A little
bug on your Whopper won't kill you! A screw inside your car door won't kill you!
Shave some stripes in your hair! Call somebody a Communist! Life is too short, you stuffed shirts! Party a little bit!" Something along those lines.
It's pretty heavy stuff.