10/25/04: That Same Old Place that You Laughed About

It's good to be home again.  Hello, DVR.*  Hello, Coffee Table.  Hi, bed. Hello, walking around in my underpants.  Hey there, H & H bagels.  Greetings, magazines waiting in mailbox. Hello, two of my all-time favorite cheesy Sunday afternoon movies**, back to back. How nice it is to see you. Howdy, meaningless, nap-inducing NFL games.  Thanks for being there for me.

Hello, Jewish Community Group, protesting the fact that there is a Neo-Nazi living in my building.  Hi, six foot two inch transsexual person, angry at this group for infringing on the Neo-Nazi's freedom of speech.  Hi, sweet little thirteen year-old girl, calling the transsexual an "asshole" and telling her to "piss off."  Hi, Falun Gong pamphleteers, with your dramatic representations of torture and imprisonment. How's tricks?

I'm home.

And I have a headache.

I propose a new major league baseball rule: any time a batter is hit with a pitch so lightly that the catcher is still able to catch the ball, the batter should be forced to get back in the box and bat.  That should not be a HBP. Right?

Speaking of baseball, Fuck the Red Sox.  I am totally sick of them and all their horseshit.  And it's going to get much worse if they win the whole shebang. I like Foulke, though.  He's tough.  But fuck him, too.  The Cardinals looked lame in these two games; they had the Purple A-Rod Get-Me-Out-Of-The-Cold Face going.   Edmonds has shown me nothing in CF.  He looks like he wants to be on the beach in SoCal. Sounds pretty good, actually.

As a white man, I may not be qualified to judge such things, but I think "The Big Chill" may be the single whitest movie of all time.

Operation Postcard has not had much success yet.  I am thinking about sending one to my long-lost freshman year roommate Oly. A nice guy, even if he was a true wild man. We had some tough times but we parted on good terms. I haven't spoken to him since maybe 1992, and I suppose maybe that's for the better.  Other candidates include college friends Kyle, Eric T., and Jeff C.  I think Jeff C. may be the way to go.  Has anyone ever made contact with a long-lost friend?  How did it turn out?  I am 0 for 1. I really botched my one attempt.  It got off to a good start, and then I dropped the ball and the communication was broken once again.  I say don't bother unless you are willing to commit to a new friendship and the work that it may require.

After reading this article***, I wonder why anyone would hire such a douche as Tom Coughlin.  His record is good, but it's not like he has some tremendous history of winning. Why put up with someone who sucks the joy out of the game unless he's the cat's crotch****? I certainly wouldn't want to play for him.  Sure, a lot of us could have used some more discipline early in life, but not from a damn football coach when we're 30 years old. He needs a good kick in the sac. Although I suppose that's against his "rules," too.

You may notice that we have added a list at the right of products and people we endorse.  The thought process behind this was, "There is as much good in the universe as bad, why dwell on the bad?"  You will probably also notice that we only have five good items so far.  Give it some time.

Ugh, hello work.  How's it going, nine to five?  What's up, energy-sapping office.  Good to see you, continuation of meaningless life.

* And thank you, DVR, for reducing your lag time between remote control button-depression and the channel actually changing.  Don't think I didn't notice, you sly dog. Still some room to go, but it's a step in the right direction.
** "Silence of the Lambs" and "A Few Good Men".  I know that "Silence of the Lambs" won all sorts of Acadamy Awards, but it's pretty dated and kinda ridiculous. View it again and I think you'll agree it's a pretty cheesy piece of cinema. Which is part of what makes it oh so enjoyable.  Every line spoken by Jame Gumb brings solid chuckles. And it's still pretty creepy and well-made.  I give it a 9.7 on the Cheesy Sunday Afternoon Couch Movie Scale.  And "A Few Good Men" -- what more do I have to say? Preachy, melodramatic, with Cruise and Nicholson overacting so delightfully that you can actually see little bits of scenery hanging from the corners of their mouths.  Plus it's just so tightly written and directed that you can barely tell it's 7 hours long. Sure, the dialogue is highly unrealistic, but who wants to hear Cruise and Nicholson speak like regular people when they can deliver line after line of juicy bullshit that sounds like it came out of...a really cheesy Hollywood movie. Not me. Down points: the music, and the presence of the ultra-annoying Kevin Pollak. It's still a 9.825 on the CSACMS.
*** And yes, the article totally botched the Yankee no-beard policy, even if they were just repeating what somebody supposedly said.
**** I don't expect this one to catch on.