10/20/04: A Day Late and a Dollar Short 

This should have been a great week. Vacationing in sunny Southern California, seeing friends, soaking in rays.  And it hasn't been all bad. But there've been a few developments that made it not so great:

1. I went on a real bender my first night here. Lots of fun was being had, but there were numerous opportunities to escape with dignity intact.*  And there were plenty of signs that it was time to do just that. But I ignored these signs.  I will spare you the details, and I would appreciate it if all who were there would do the same, but the bottom line is I was The Dick.  Again.  Like I always am.  I think I mean well.  I am a pretty mild-mannered person -- I worry about other people's feelings, I tip generously, and I do my best to appear remorseful about being a Yankee fan.  But at a certain point on certain evenings, I become Mr. Hyde.  It's horrible.  I feel like it's my duty to lead the troops over the ridge and into Idiot City.  I'm now 35 years old, with a good wife who tries to be understanding to a point.  But this time I really screwed up, and I am here to announce for the 375th and final time that it won't happen again. 

2. The weather has been lousy.  Rainy and unpleasant for maybe 4 out of 6 days. Totally uncalled for.  On second thought, probably my fault.  But I don't have to like it.

3. No internet access.  I am staying at the wife's parents' house, and their computer/cable modem is all messed up.  We have been trying to fix it, and got it up and running for about an hour, and then it got all screwy again. So no posting, and not even really time to check out everybody else's sites until today.  Today I am sitting in Starbucks, catching up with Pete and Joe and trying to make sense of what's happened in the world over the last five days.  Specifically...

4. The fucking Yankees.  It's been just an absolutely unbearable 6 games, and I am nervous as hell about tonight.  Luckily, the aforementioned Pete and Joe are all over this story, and I think they've pretty much covered whatever stray thoughts I may have had.  But let me just add a couple, even if they were already mentioned:

a. Fox: Joe Buck has the largest ego ever found on a play-by-play man, and you could prove that with a CAT Scan, I reckon.  Still, I think he's pretty bright and he sees the game quite well. McCarver has gone around the bend.  Leiter has a future in this business if he's not John McCain's running mate in '08.  He's smooth and understated, and it's nice when he says something that clearly and incisively contradicts the hooey that McCarver's spewing. Let's not forget, however, how much McCarver has brought to the booth over the years.  He knows the game as well as anybody, he's not afraid to be critical, and he used to actually say things that changed the way people watched the game. I just think he fell head over heels in love with himself and got lazy. It happens to almost everybody who's any good at something -- look at Gallagher.  You take for granted what made you great (in McCarver's case his refusal to simply accept the often idiotic prevailing baseball 'wisdom', and his ability to predict things before they happened, in Gallagher's case his ability to hilariously smash watermelons) and you end up being just a tired, grouchy old bastard, running your mouth and collecting checks. I have to say that the three guys in the booth for Fox are about as well-informed as any broadcasting team I've heard in awhile, but they, and their production staff, still leave a lot to be desired.   

-Last night, they kept talking about Bellhorn's dinky shot and how great the umpires were for getting it right.  I agree.  And I thought it was interesting when they talked about how umpires have become more willing to discuss as a group and get the call right.  And it was really cute when they got the little girl to admit it was a home run. Which it was.**  But why did they keep showing us the same angle? The side angle was far more interesting, and far more telling. The girl was reaching forward and the ball was dropping steeply.  It was close to being fan interference and a ground rule double.  Close enough that they should have shown that angle more than once.  They just kept killing us with the straight on shot, where it clearly shows the ball hitting the little girl above the fence.  Well, if she's sitting in the stands, and it hits her, it's a home run, right? Yes, assuming her arms and body do not cross the threshold of the fence -- which they very well may have.  I agree that it was almost certainly a home run, but show us the angle that proves that.  More than once.

b. A-Rod: is it just me, or did he look exceptionally cold and uncomfortable last night? More so than everybody else.  Like he wanted to get the hell off that field so he could go model swimwear with his wife under a waterfall on some tropical isle. And back to Fox for a second, how could they give him credit for that insanely stupid karate chop move on the first base line.  They were all, It was worth a try. No, as Pete pointed out, if he doesn't make that play, Jeter's on second and could score on a (albeit theoretical) base hit by Sheffield.  It was a bush league play, a piece of garbage. It was something you'd expect to see, MAYBE, if you were playing softball with a guy from New Zealand who didn't know the rules.  The only purpose it served was to distract us from the fact that A-Clod had failed in the clutch once again.  Failed to the tune of an anemic grandma of a dribbler down the first base line.  You are paid enough money to bring an entire country out of poverty.  How about you sock one into the fuckin' seats?  And yes, I have forgotten what he did in the Division Series and earlier in this series. And yes again, all will be forgiven if he bats in eight runs tonight.  This is the nature of sports fanaticism.

c. The barrage of crap flying in from the stands after the umpires' two excellent calls against us.  This is horseshit, and as stupid as Yankee fans may be, I thought they were above stuff like that.  You can't throw lethal objects on the field. Maybe I am naive, but this really disappointed me.

d. The Yankee bats in general.  From en fuego to en frio in a matter of hours.  Someone, ANYONE, get a fucking big hit already. 

e. Schilling:  Yes, it was a tremendous, even masterful, performance, but I agree with Dinny that his injury was obviously overhyped.  Even in Game 1, when he got shelled, I don't recall him saying it was so much painful as it was uncomfortable. Give me $15 million a year and I'll pitch with some discomfort.  On Tuesday, he was very, very good -- but the Yanks were every bit as bad as he was good. And he remains a dick. Most appalling was his Gaetti-like God Squad postgame interview, when he said he couldn't have done it without Jesus. For the last time: JESUS DOES NOT DETERMINE, OR EVEN CARE ABOUT, THE OUTCOMES OF SPORTING EVENTS. Evidence:

-the Yankees have plenty of devout dudes on the team, including Mariano Rivera, who lost two family members this week.  Yet Rivera blew two games in this series. Don't the deaths trump Schilling's creaky ankle?  Where was Jesus for Rivera?
-isn't following Jesus supposed to get you all sorts of cool shit AFTER you die? I don't know the exact rules on this, but I don't think Jesus is supposed to step in and help you pitch seven strong innings because you hurt you foot.
-If Jesus was responsible for sporting events, and he wanted glory for the BoSox, wouldn't he have stepped in by now?  He's had 86 years.  Indeed, he may be a Red Sox fan, which is why he has put this franchise through such trials -- he's testing your faith, people.  Every performance like last night is destined to be followed up by an equally disastrous incident in the immediate aftermath.  If not tonight, soon.
-If Jesus cared about deciding what goes on on earth, would the world look like it does today? (Examples: GWB in the White House, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, rain in San Clemente.)  If I were Jesus, I'd get a little pissed off when people invoked my name after a good athletic performance.  It makes Him look bad.  I'd be like, People, I am working my ass off to straighten out the Middle East, and you're telling people I'm wasting my time on baseball games.  Thanks for the big promotion, Schilling, you fat prick.

Bottom line: the earth is ours to fuck up or clean up, and Jesus knows this better than Curt Schilling.

There were bright spots this week:

1. California is beautiful, even in the rain.

2. The wife's parents are kind and go out of their way to make me happy, though I don't deserve it.

3. We stayed at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, so there were a couple of good celebrity sightings:
-Duran Duran (original lineup!) were staying in the hotel, as were
-Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova.  Enrique may be the charter member in the Verbungle.com Hall of Fame.  I was riding down in the elevator with maybe two other people, and a couple more people got on on maybe the tenth floor.  Enrique stands there, outside the elevator door, talking to them for a minute.  Maybe it was like his tour manager or something.  The doors start to close, and then Enrique sticks his hand in and opens it again.  With a very serious expression, Enrique tells his tour manager, "Oh, by the way, I've got your suppositories in my room.  Come by and get them later." Then he let the door close with impeccable, Gallagher-like timing. He is my new hero.
-Eriq LaSalle was in a cafe and was placing a takeout order.  He made the cashier crouch down and count the number of a certain type of pastry they had left, and then ordered nothing. Gas Face.

4. No work.

5. Yankees winning tonight? (down 8-1 in the 5th) 

*Even cW had the good sense to get out while the gettin' was good, leaving around 1am.
** Acknowledge that I am acknowledging this before you dismiss what I am about to say as partisan Yankee whining.