3/24/05: Stiff

I have to admit it makes me feel like a complete sissy to complain about pain on a day when Little Joey Monkeyweb essentially got disemboweled, but I'm sorry to say that's exactly what I've come here to do.

For the last two days I have had a stiff neck.

It may not sound like much, but this was no ordinary stiff neck. This was different.  This stiff neck had a personality, and a nasty one at that. It was the Karl Rove of stiff necks. This stiff neck had tattoos and scary fangs. If it were a movie, the tagline would be "Stiff Neck: The Movie -- This time, it's personal."* This was the most intense pain I've ever experienced, outside of perhaps only the four or five times I've zipped the head of my penis up in my fly after peeing.**  That's worse.  But not much else is worse.  If I turned my head even a millimeter in a direction it didn't want to go, a wave of agony rippled across my neck, head, back, and soul. It was like being kicked in the balls in slow motion. By a mule. Or perhaps a kangaroo.

I had to leave work yesterday to get a massage. It cost $40 for half an hour and it made me feel better for another half an hour after it was done. Then the pain came and kicked my door down again.  When these twinges came around, my eyes would bug out and I would almost collapse from the power of the pain.  Just surging misery that made me want to die.

And I started to wonder, what if this isn't a pinched nerve or a pulled muscle? What if it's something vascular, like an embolism or an aneurism or a thrombus or something along those lines? Something that could make my head snap back and my eyes roll to the inside of my skull? Something that could kill me?

And then I wondered, am I ready to die?

Not "Do I want to die?" because of course I don't want to die.  In addition to the fact that I enjoy life and want it to keep going for another 150 years or so, I have loved ones to think of, people who'd actually be sad to see me go.  But am I ready to die, meaning, have I done enough in my life to be satisfied with where I left off?

Again, putting aside my family and friends, and just approaching this from a personal standpoint.  From a selfish standpoint.  And of course my first thought was no, I'm not ready.  There's so much more I want to do, so many minor accomplishments to accomplish and delicious meals to consume and random moments of joy that I don't want to miss.

I really want to get a foul ball at a major league baseball game.

And then I realized, that's no way to approach it. No life is ever complete.  Everybody's left wanting a little more of this and a lot more of that. When evaluating whether or not your ticket's ready to be punched, perhaps it's fairer to think about the things you have done. The times when you did it right.  When the sun shined on your ass for a brief moment. And if you can list a few good ones, maybe you've done enough for one lifetime.

I think maybe I've done enough.

I've dunked a basketball.*** I've been Class President.**** I've thrown frisbees with beautiful, improbable arcs on sunny afternoons. I've led roomfuls of joyous drunks, some moustachioed, in song. I've vaulted parking meters and I've caught a tennis ball that I threw out of the window of a moving car. Right there, I could have cashed in my chips and I would have had no complaints.

So if I die from this stiff neck (and as of this moment it feels a bit better, but it's still hurting pretty good), I guess that's OK. I had a nice run.

***

Tonight on the way home from work, it was so shitty out that I wanted to cry.  But I thought that sobbing might hurt my neck, so I just trudged home through the snow and the sleet and whatever the hell else was falling on me. Baseball will be here soon. So get well, Monkeyman. Warm $7 dollar beers that you can squirt around between your gum and upper lip are just around the corner.

***

The answer to Tuesday's Wheredat is 45th Street and Fort Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn, NY. For future Wheredats and Name That Solo's and Google Image Search Games and random trivia questions I pose on the site, I am going to assign a Genius Point Value. The person providing the correct answer for that day's challenge will receive those Genius Points. The first person to 250 Genius Points will win a piece of verbungle.com merchandise to be named and redeemed at a later date. The standings will appear on the lower right side of this page. Got it? For all these games, answers will not be accepted before noon eastern. Start with the question below, after the first asterisk.

***

We've got a new iPonderous today complete with an empeetrey.  You got ta snatch up these empeetreys while you have a chance.  We'll leave three or four up at a time, no more. so grab 'em. They're free.

* For twenty verbungle.com genius points, can you tell me what movie actually had that tagline (except for the stiff neck part)? Please refrain from being a googling bastard. NO ANSWERS BEFORE NOON.
** Most recent occurrence of this was probably in 1974.  You learn not to do this.
*** I'm counting my 1990 dunk at the Shell in Madison, WI.  It counts.
**** 5th grade.  It counts.