3/18/05: MEMORANDUM
To: Myles Brand, Les Moonves, anyone else who might listen
CC: verbungle.com readership
From: Hans Bungle
Date: 3/18/05
Re: How to Save the NCAA Tournament
Dear Sirs:
The title of this memo is a little misleading. Relax.
Your little NCAA tournament is just fine. In fact, it is quite nearly the
perfect sporting experience. That is why it pains me so much when I see
you guys fucking it up even a little. And the area which you need the most
work is how you broadcast this magnificent event. Please accept my humble
suggestions, and see if you can implement them by Friday around noon.
1. Show us the best matchups, and cut away from any game
once one team is leading by ten. It seems to me that the formula for which
games are carried in which regions is as closely guarded as the KFC recipe. I'll
never understand either, and they both leave a bad taste in my mouth. I admit
that I am a layman when it comes to all of this. I don't know what
external pressures you guys face, and I don't have a clue as to how the regional
must-show-this-game rules work. I understand you have to show Syracuse in
upstate New York and you have to show Mississippi in Mississippi. That's fine.
But tonight here in New York City you stayed with the Wake Forest game for far
too long. Wake Forest pulled away, and in the meantime there was a close
game going on between Nevada and Texas. You didn't cut away until there
were about 8 seconds left in that game. Wake Forest is in North Carolina.
Tennessee-Chattanooga, I can only assume, is in Tennessee. Neither of these
places is near New York City, and as a result, very few people who live in New
York City care about these teams. GO TO THE CLOSEST GAME.
2. We don't need to see the 16 seed vs. 1 seed all the
time. If it gets close, feel free to cut away to it, such as when FDU was
hanging around with Illinois. That makes a good story. But generally speaking,
the great games are between 5's and 12's, 8's and 9's, and so on. You need to
trust that your audience is deeply interested in this entire tournament, not
just in the top teams. Remember, half of the country has money riding on
this thing. We want to see exciting games. We've waited all year to see exciting
games. Show us exciting games.
3. Please eliminate Billy Packer from all telecasts.
The guy sucks the joy out of a game the way a bad fart sucks the oxygen out of a
room (or a bad analogy sucks the life out of a paragraph). His lingering
presence in our lives is as inexplicable as Jay Leno's. Les, show some guts and
fire him. He's had his run. Nobody likes him. His negativity and pedagogical
tone ruin every game he works. Trust me, we will watch this tournament all the
way through to the end without Packer. We have money riding on it. The good news
is I haven't heard him yet in this year's tourney; the bad news is that I assume
that is just shit blind luck.
4. Show all the games in HD. Sorry, just being selfish
here, but if you're showing 3/4 of 'em in HD, why not go all the way? Maybe you
are doing this and you were only showing the SD broadcast of certain games
because of some technical limitation. Work on this before Friday's games.
5. Give me more Gus Johnson. I hated him as an
in-studio host on MSG, but he has the perfect voice, personality, and attitude
for this tournament. He's meticulously prepared, he sees the game well, and he's
not afraid to get caught up in the moment. I love hearing every game he does.
Perhaps you can bump Jim Nantz for the final and give Gus the gig.
6. Keep riding Gumbel and Kellogg. These guys do a
nice job in the studio (especially Kellogg), so don't be afraid to use them for
more than 20 seconds at a time. If you're worried we'll miss some game action
(and I appreciate the concern), show us a split-screen or something.
7. Where's Raf? I didn't see all the games today, so
hopefully he just slipped past my radar, but where the hell is the delightful
Bill Raftery? Maybe his act is a wee bit tired, but he's still the Gold
Standard. He better be involved. In fact, give me Raf and Gus for the
final. Shake things up, Les.
Thank you for listening and for immediately taking direct
action to address my concerns. I knew you could do it. Readers, feel free
to leave additional suggestions for CBS and the NCAA in the comments section.
Your Biggest Fan,
Hans
***
Forgetting about the whole "presumed innocent" thing for a minute, let's just
assume they're all lying. Who, then, is the biggest douche?
1. McGwire, for his bizarre, choked-up performance in which he chickened out
on the most basic question: did you or didn't you? Soooo guilty. "My
lawyers told me....blah blah blah." If you're clean, just say that. You
ain't clean, Red.
2. Sosa, for having his attorney read a prepared
statement including this ridiculous bit of BS: "Everything I have heard about
steroids and human growth hormones is that they are very bad for you, even
lethal. I would never put anything dangerous like that in my body."
3. Palmeiro, for his suitably emphatic denial,
staring right into the cameras and insisting that he's clean.
I dunno. They're all scumbags. Unless
they're innocent, in which case I pick McGwire. Because he's not innocent.
***
Were I still doing the "touching" page,
this might
make the grade.