3/15/05: Tales from the Kryptonite

I have to admit I'm a sucker for motivational clichés -- the kind of bullshit that coaches toss around to get their teams fired up. Gets me every time. I bet, when their teams are down 20 points with five minutes left in the final game of the season, coaches like to say things like:

"Listen, you guys. When things are going well, this is an easy game. It's the tough times that decide who you are as players, and who you are as men. We might not win this game, but I am NOT going to sit here and watch you guys roll over. I'm NOT.  We've worked too hard all year to go down without a fight.  Now let's go out there for the next five minutes and play the way we know how to play. Let's fight for every loose ball, let's help each other out on defense, and let's keep battling until the horn sounds."

And I bet you could hear similar sentiments echoing down the rows of cubicles in the Kryptonite offices a few months back, when the news broke that their locks could be picked by Bic pens. Overnight, they went from the number one name in the bike lock industry to a laughingstock. Since the day I heard the news, I've been trying without success to think of an analogy -- "Kryptonite's locks don't work? That's like a ______ company whose _______s don't _____." Help me out here. Anyway, suffice it to say that if your one job is to provide security, and your security products can be overwhelmed by a 17 cent pen, you've officially hit hard times.

Everyone, including me, was taking shots at Kryptonite.  And they could have very easily closed up shop and disappeared into shame and infamy.  But the boys in Smallville (or wherever Kryptonite's HQ is located) just hunkered down and took their lumps* and said, "We ain't going anywhere." There was a class action suit and Kryptonite agreed to replace every damn one of the defective locks.  And if your bike got stolen, they'd buy you a new one.  I know they're not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, they were forced into it, but I am still impressed by their resolve.

I personally owned two Kryptonite locks, and I went to their website to find out details of how I could replace them. It was a little convoluted, and I was too lazy to dig through the mess to see if both my locks were eligible for replacement, so I just filled out an online form saying I had two locks to trade in, and waited for a response. Sure enough, a couple of weeks later I got a link to some UPS postage and instructions to send the locks back to Kryptonite. I dropped it off at UPS, and waited for them to send me my new locks or letters explaining that I wasn't eligible. Then today I was home sick from work catching up on Divo'd "Real World"** episodes on the new TV when I heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"United Parcel," the dude said. "I have a package from Kryptonite for Hans Bungle."

Fuckin' A, that was quick.  About three weeks from the moment I first hit their website looking for answers until today, when I had two brand new locks in hand, ready to go. Kryptonite, you got some fucking guts. You are hereby endorsed by verbungle.com.

***

I am excited for baseball to start but I am having my usual difficulties being a Yankee fan. I briefly considered converting to the Mets until Joe M. and Jimmy L. talked me out of it.  But it's not out of the question somewhere down the line. I like Randolph and Pedro and Glavine and Floyd and Reyes and Man-kay-vitch and I even like Piazza.  The Yankees trouble me. How is Kevin Brown still on this team? And Giambi grosses me out.  I hope Tino plays 150 games, I don't care if he hits .233.*** Sheffield's a bit of a dick, ain't he? And I don't get the Womack acquisition -- the guy's a singles hitter with a .319 lifetime OBP. Isn't Chuck Knoblauch available? I still like Jeter and Mo and Jorge and Bernie and Tino and I'll pull for those guys. I may decide to distance myself from any particular team and just appreciate the game in general.  Especially because I think it'll be largely steroid-free (if 50% were using two years ago, I bet it'll be down to 15% this year****) and that makes it much more worthwhile, IMO. There are some other teams to pull for, too.  Watch out for Florida.

The only thing compelling me to root for the Yankees this year is that the Red Sox are now officially even more despicable than the Yankees. Nice Cheney jersey, Varitek.

***

The NCAA's are here. I'm debating between filling out three pools or only two. It all depends on how much money I feel like donating to the winner.  I should just fill out each of my pools on a five dollar bill to save paper.  What I'm saying here is I'm not good at the NCAA pools. Not good at all.  The pool gets me so stressed out and it sometimes completely inhibits my ability to enjoy the games, which is a shame because the tournament is one of my favorite events of the year. Maybe my second favorite overall, right after betting on the tournament. 

***

We could sit here all day and argue about what's the worst song of all time, or the worst movie, but I think we can all agree that Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball (for Super Nintendo, ca. 1991) is hands down the worst video game of all time.  My roommates and I rented it from Doorstop Video in Madison and were appalled that any company would dare put such crap on the market.

***

* In honor of coaches worldwide, I will use as many clichés as possible when discussing this situation.
** The Philadelphia season really closed strong, and that guy Landon made one of the best personal turnarounds since Jon the cowboy in Los Angeles (season 2). I was shocked and yes, touched by how all seven roommates seemed to genuinely care about each other at the end of their stay in Philly. They had all actually learned from one another and grown as human beings. By and large, they're all still idiots, but I still tip my cap to them for taking steps in the right direction. After six weeks, Philly was looking like the worst season ever.  Now I would rank it in the top 8 or so.
*** Although who's to say Tino is clean? He was a big Creatine guy a few years back, if I recall correctly.
**** Source: My Ass Institute for Statistical Analysis.