3/8/5: The Sacker's Formula for Mediocrity

The other day, Hugh Hefner (I'm still tickled about the fact that Hugh Hefner reads this website!) posted a quote from an article on the job-related dangers of blogging:

IN THE NEWS: BLOGGING MAY COST YOU A JOB
NEW YORK (AP) - Many companies have policies governing how employees can use things like e-mail, Internet connections and computers. But not as many have policies about blogs and that has led to problems for some. For example, flight attendant Ellen Simonetti and former Google employee Mark Jen have ended up losing their jobs over blogs. Simonetti posted suggestive photos of herself in uniform, while Jen used his online forum to speculate about his employer's finances. A workers' rights group says because blogs are much more informal than other online postings, it's more likely that a worker will say something that may upset an employer. Because few companies have official policies, it's suggested that people be careful about what they post about life in the workplace -- if they want to stay in the workplace.

It's fucking true.  I should know better.  Several times a week I mention something work-related, and not always in a flattering tone.  It's risky, and it's stupid. Tony Pierce just said it quite well: "You can think it, you can say it later to your buddy, but only an idiot would actually write it in his blog."  He's right. I can't afford to be losing this job. 

The thing is, I'm usually an ace when it comes to self-preservation in the workplace.

But since I'm suddenly such a risk-taker, I will tell you a work-related story.

At around 2:15 pm today, I returned from lunch and rode up in the elevator with my lunch companion, let's call him X.  As we got off, I spotted another co-worker, whose anonymity I must preserve, sprinting to the men's room. What made it so enjoyable is that this man is a large, robust fellow.  Tall, thick, and slow afoot.  Were I not trying to avoid posting derogatory things about my co-workers, especially ones who I like, I might describe him as big and clumsy. Normally he is not a man prone to quick movements of any kind. But today...this mad dash was so graceful, I could almost hear music playing in the background.  Maybe the Chariots of Fire theme. It was like he was in a full sprint but he was still sort of moving in slow motion. Dude had to GO.  And go I'm sure he did.  I just hope the others got out in time.

I've never sprinted into a bathroom at work.

As I hinted at above, I am what you might consider a master of office survival. Note that I said survival, and not thrival. There are undoubtedly thousands of How-to books that give you tips on getting ahead at work. And there are probably hundreds of slacker novels about floundering from job to job, failing to do even the bare minimum to stay employed. But today I offer you something in between: advice on how to strategically maintain your place in the office hierarchy, never succeeding so fantastically that you are given extra responsibility or serious pay increases, but also never screwing up so badly that you fail to earn your annual 4% cost of living increase and the occasional promotion.  Why you'd want to fall into this category, I have no idea. But that's the category I've found myself in for the last 11 years, and so here are a few tips on flying below the radar while still achieving a comfortable cruising altitude. You basically want to do just enough to keep people from laughing at you when you walk by.  Crying is no good, either.

By the way, none of this stuff was calculated, it all just sort of worked out this way. And I don't always stick to these rules.

Here we go, then, in no particular order:

1. Learn to nod sympathetically when co-workers vent.  Try not to take sides, but listen to what they've got to say and try to understand.  Disagree with them if you feel strongly that they're wrong, but only if you're sure you're close enough to them to get away with it.

2. Avoid spreading gossip, except when it is immensely satisfying to do so.

3. Never volunteer for anything, but never refuse an assignment either.

4. Fear, or at least respect, the jerky upper bosses.  Avoid getting chummy with them.  If they know your name, you are a candidate for advancement and/or reprimand.

5. Don't make enemies.  You don't have to kiss ass, but you can be civil to all but the most insufferable douchebags. 

6. Don't blast your radio or talk loudly on the phone.  Don't be loud, basically. 

7. Find the alpha dog in the room and adapt to his or her sense of what's appropriate.

8. If you're going to shirk a duty, pick it wisely.  Any direct orders from the boss should be carried out promptly.  When shirking, it's best to pick a task that'll either never get back to you, or that you can later deny being directly responsible for if you're confronted about it.

9. Be a confidante for your immediate boss. Listen to what he or she says and keep any secrets they share.

10. Be nice to everyone, even the people who you don't really like. But if somebody is outright mean or disrespectful towards you, you owe them nothing.  Not even a hello in the hall. Your coldness towards them, when contrasted with your usual sunny disposition, will speak volumes.  Also feel free to belittle them behind their back.

11. Try not to apply for a job at another company more than once every three years or so. It'll just complicate your head, and you might end up screwing up the good thing you've got going.

12. Avoid confrontation, except when you really believe strongly in something. Hopefully, these moments will be few and far between.  And hopefully, if you don't make a habit of it, you will get respect on those occasions when you do make a stink.

13. Freely disparage the company all the time, except in front of muckety mucks.  There should be an obvious distinction between who your fellow griping widget makers are, and who the stiff-ass muckety mucks are.  If you can't find this line, I can't help you, I'm afraid. Maybe you could make it a rule not to talk shit about the company in front of anybody who makes over 100 grand a year.  But you'd probably be missing out on some quality whining if you used that as your cutoff point.

14. Don't rat people out. You'll regret it.

15. Don't overdo it at the holiday party.  I've learned this the hard way.

16. Try not to become the credit-or-blame guy on any particular project.  Make sure you can point to other reasons why something tanked, and (here's the tricky part) make sure none of these reasons places the blame squarely on someone else's shoulders.

17. If someone is failing to do their job, and it's preventing you from being able to do yours, don't go to their boss until you've exhausted all other options.  First, try sweet-talking them. Then bribing them.  Then, if you're still stuck, make a very serious face and tell them directly and unmistakably that they need to pick up their game. Seeing you with this intense look on your mug will usually get the job done.

18. When you're at your wits' end and you think your options are limited to suicide, homicide, and quitting, step away from your desk and take a nice ten minute walk outside the building. Get some air, clear your head. Very rarely can you not afford to spare ten minutes.  You'll be glad you did.

19. Stick up for people beneath you when they're getting screwed.  It won't get you anywhere, which is good.  It's also the right thing to do.

20. Throw balls around every now and then, but do it when the muckety mucks aren't around.

21. Find people who like having fun at work and align yourselves with them. They can shave about twenty psychological hours off your workweek.

22. Don't walk to the bathroom with a magazine defiantly tucked under your arm.  That's just disgusting.

23. Try to do a good job on stuff, insofar as it doesn't wear you out too much.

24. Don't slap other employees in the ass.

25. Don't ever blog about work. Ever. Again.

That should cover you for now. You're all set for stagnation.

***

A co-worker went out to the gas station for coffee today and when she returned, she brought me a 20 oz. Dr. Pepper. Damn was that nice of her. Damn was it good.  Dr. Pepper is hereby added to the endorsement list.  How had I forgotten?

***

Joe Monkeyweb wonders why the number listed in the verbungle.com new name comments box keeps changing.  Well, Haloscan is a strange beast. They will keep your comments on their server indefinitely, but after three months or so they no longer count towards the little number that appears next to the word "comments." So if you look at old posts, they'll all say (0), but the comments are actually still there. In the case of the new name contest, people keep submitting new names at roughly the same rate with which they disappear from the little parenthesis. So there may be like 40-odd comments in there, but the number stays around 20 or so.  I have unofficially decided to leave that thing up there until the number hits zero.