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3/3/5: Smal World
I am going into work a couple hours late Thursday so I can
take care of the Curtain Rod Situation (band name). Crsmal has been a valuable
advisor through the twists and turns of this project, and I am grateful for his
help and for his refusal to laugh at my incompetence. He has gone so far as to
lay out a game plan for me, and I feel pretty certain that I will follow this
game plan to victory. He gets a special throwback Hero of the Day
acknowledgement.
His wife, Valsmal, is also in the verbungle.com news. She is
somewhat of a big shot at our office, and recently all the big shots were sent
the following memo:
It’s fairly common to see employees attach quotes
to their email signature. That’s not a problem unless the quote is considered
inappropriate by the reader. We all have to keep in mind who might read our
email and, for a number of reasons, and make certain the contents are
appropriate. For this reason we are requesting that no quote of any
kind be attached to an email signature generated by a Stiffs Networks
employee, including Bible passages. We feel this change will present a more
consistent, business-like image of Stiffs Networks communications. Please make
certain your employees are adhering to this request. If you need help preparing
for this conversation with your employee(s), contact the Human Resources
department.
This may seem like one of those
things that should go without saying, but trust me when I say that our employees
in the Tennessee office needed to hear this. Badly. Several of them
were going nuts with the bible quotes. Boy is that offensive and backwards. Red
states, you really need to get some of your citizens in check. Anyway,
since we are no longer allowed to attach these little gems, Valsmal wondered
what other signature options might be more appropriate.
Her first suggestion: The
Short Police Report Signature. Example:
From: Valsmal
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 11:01 AM
To: Randolph, Thomas
Subject: February Budget Actuals
Tommy --I'm going to need those February numbers by end of day today or
it's your ass.
Thanks.
Valsmal
A 17-year-old McCandless girl was
accidentally shot by her boyfriend Sunday while the two were engaged in
"bedroom activities," police said.
Timothy Madden, 23, of Ross, was charged with aggravated assault, reckless
endangerment and corruption of a minor.
The incident occurred just before 1 p.m. at Madden's residence in the
Chateau Perry Apartments at 951 Perry Highway, said Ross senior detective
and public information officer William Barrett.
"They were engaged in some bizarre activities in his bedroom," Barrett
said. "The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged."
The girl, who, as a juvenile, was not identified by police, was wounded in
the groin with a .45-caliber handgun and was taken to an undisclosed
hospital. |
I responded with a lame idea for the Personal Ad
Signature:
From: Bungle, Hans
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 11:30 AM
To: All Stiffs Networks Employees
CC: Jenkins, Gunny
Subject: Donuts/Wallet
Hi everyone! There are donuts in the break room.
Oh, and Gunny --
I have misplaced my wallet, or, to be more truthful, I think you fucking
swiped it. Leave it on my desk in the next fifteen minutes or I'm
coming to your cube with a baseball bat.Thanks!
Hans Bungle
MWM, 35
6', a little soft in the middle but athletic
Likes: Movies, Laughter, Frisbee
Seeks GWM or GBF, 20-52, for weekends alone on the island and nights
getting cozy in front of the TV
Discretion a Must |
She came back and trumped me with the Overall
performance appraisal rating signature.
From: Valsmal
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 11:52 AM
To: Manson, Marlon
Subject: Meeting
Marlon,I can only assume from your absence at today's production
meeting that you are on the bottle again. Let's set up a time to talk
about this with HR.
Valsmal
"Meets Requirements" |
Anyone got any other ideas?
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