9/5/5: We could use a hand full of wheel and a day off

I've had a lot of things to say over the last few days, but I haven't been able to put it together.

Every time I read something about Katrina, I get angry and depressed. I'm not even gonna talk about it. It's heartbreaking. Joe Monkeyweb has pretty much exactly captured the rage I feel in his (and his lady's) posts over the last few days. And Tony Pierce gathered a nice selection of Katrina-related links that help illustrate just how fucked up things are right now. And Negro Please had a moving and thoughtful take.

Dammit, I need to say a couple of words, obvious and already-been-said though they may be.

Yes, Katrina was unavoidable. But the government's response has been completely inadequate, and Bush is right at the center of it. The guy couldn't lead a bum to a bar, let alone lead a country. Come to think of it, if you were to compile a list of the worst presidents in history, you would probably not include him, for the same reason Playboy Magazine omitted the University of Wisconsin from its 1987 Party School Rankings. Bush is simply that far ahead of his competition. I just cannot believe this man is in charge of our well being. I can't believe he's in charge of anything more important than filling out his golf scorecard. I hate him and his administration.

Thousands of people are gonna die. A lot of them didn't have to. And I'm sure there's a portion of the country that thinks:

a) that people were given ample time and notice to evacuate, so much of the blame lays on the victims themselves.
b) that complaining about Bush's role in all this is a cheap shot, this was just a horrendous natural disaster and that's the real story here. That we're using this tragedy to earn political points.

Horseshit and horseshit.

a) many people didn't have means to evacuate, and even if they simply chose not to go (and considering the sad stories from the Superdome, who can blame them?), they are still HUMAN FUCKING BEINGS WHO NEEDED OUR HELP after the hurricane blew through. And we turned our back on them for days on end. We left them to fucking rot and die in the streets and dome and convention center while we dragged our feet and pointed our fingers and gave them false promises and bad advice. And I will never forget that.  I don't give a fuck about packs of rapists and snipers and thugs. We are the United States of America. We needed to go in there and drop some fucking food and water. We needed to go in there and restore order. We needed to take care of our citizens on the most basic of levels. Any citizen of any decent country should be able to go to bed at night knowing that the government's got his back on these basic levels. The levels where you live if the government does its job, and you die if it doesn't. Our government, specifically our President, failed this simple test. And he doesn't even really care, I'd wager. He's gotta be used to poor people's blood on his hands by now.

b) this was a golden opportunity for Bush to step up and do right by his people. Swift, decisive action was warranted. He had the power to save lives. And he just completely blew it. He's astonishing. We Democrats would be perfectly happy to give him credit if he had done this job right. It was a job that we needed him to do right. I was no fan of Giuliani prior to 9/11, but I would have blown him on the pitcher's mound at Yankee Stadium before game 5 of the 2001 World Series after the way he handled that situation. He was visible, he was clearly in charge, rescue efforts were focused and for the most part efficient (even if they were largely unsuccessful), he was respectful to the victims, and you got the feeling that he was being torn up emotionally by what had happened. Credit was due and we were happy to give it to him. Not so with this crapstain of a president. I will go so far as to say that If you approve of his performance and the performance of his administration over the last week, you have no respect for human life.

Apparently George Bush himself is in this camp.

So basically that's not so good.

This is all too much to take. Vebrungle.com sends its thoughts and wishes to everyone affected by this horrible chain of events.

***

Anyway, let's move on to the usual bullshit.

I feel that it's time to explain a few things about Big Jimmy Lang.*

So here is a quick BJL primer, courtesy of Verbungle.com:

The first thing to know is that he is unmatched as an irritant. He's a professional provoker. A mastermind of mischief. He'll drive you crazy and then he'll hand you the wheel and watch you smash into a telephone pole.

Nothing makes Big Jim happier than getting other people riled up.

Here are some of his tactics:

1) He'll call you a racist. He doesn't really think you're a racist; he just knows that nobody likes being called a racist (except bona fide racists). He knows that labeling a person a racist will most likely elicit a huge reaction from this person. So any time you mention a matter of race, or even gender or religion or sexual orientation -- in any context -- he will probably respond with a simple one word reply:

"racist"

Hopefully now that you know this, you won't take his bait next time.

2) He'll hit you when you're down. Here are a few examples (some of which may involve verbungle.com employees):

a) Victim #1 had just inhaled a monster bong hit and was in the middle of a life-threatening coughing fit when Big Jim decided to go up and punch him right in the balls.
b) Victim #2 had overdone it with the Jim Beam at a party. As their group exited the apartment to go home, Big Jim pushed Victim #2 down a flight of stairs.
c) Victim #3 was celebrating his birthday and had a few too many. After vomiting in a urinal, Victim #3 was staggering around the bar and trying to reclaim his grip on life. Big Jim decided this would be a wonderful time to start slapping Victim #3 in the face.

Please note that all of these examples involve friends of Big Jim.

3) He is a dirty prankster with a small touch of genius in all his work.

a) He used to torment the already-inwardly-tormented mailroom guy in our office by stapling said mailroom guy's New York Post together. He would use about 40 staples to make sure the job was done right. He would also occasionally steal the mailroom guy's mail cart and sometimes would attempt to lock the mailroom guy in his mailroom.
b) He will pretend to be ignorant in order to get other people worked up. Here is an example from the other day (referring to this picture), and luckily, nobody really took the bait. Please note that none of Big Jim's comments were honest in any way. He knew who Pete was, he knew who Evan was. He was just trying to turn the screws.

That said, he is also a man of considerable charms -- every time he drives you away, he finds a way to bring you back, either with a kind gesture or a hilarious and insightful comment. He is also the acknowledged master of the internets.  For instance, yesterday he dig up this awesome photo of a young man modeling Clemson's new football uniforms. Then this the same day. We need him on that wall.

***

Well, the first-ever Verbungle.com Genius Challenge has come to an end, and we are proud to proclaim Joe Monkeyweb the Genius Who Is Smarter Than All Other Geniuses. Joe, we are working on your very own "Verbungle-certified Genius" T-shirt and will contact you once we have a preliminary design worked out.  To speed up this process, you may submit a design of your own. Here are the final standings:

Genius Board (FINAL):
(first to 250 points wins free verbungle merchandise to be named later)

Joe M. - 265 - WINNER
PBdotC - 211
EJ - 142
Big Jim Lang - 107
cW - 103
Crsmal - 103
Dan K. - 40
Mrs. Smal - 35
D. Lee - 33
Brian C. - 32
BC MI - 30
Deion - 26
Alexi - 20
Mrs. Monkeyweb - 20
Sipsi - 20
Doug - 16
Elizabeth B. -15
Smoker - 15
Dipak - 12
Dam!!!N brit - 12
MGBC - 10
BA - 10
CC - 10
Sipsi - 10
MRD - 10
RJ - 8.5
Tin Man - 8
Sport - 7

Well-played by Joe and thanks to everyone who participated. This challenge lasted a good six months or so and it was a whole lot of fun. More importantly, it generated a whole lot of comments on the old HaloScan comment machine. And I'll be honest: I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE COMMENTS. Even stupid ones. With that in mind, we are here to officially announce that there will be more comment-generating challenges in the future. We may take a few days off, though.

In the meantime, the obvious question that remains is "What next for Verbungle.com?"

Meaning, what will occupy that valuable real estate on the right hand side of the home page, where the genius board once stood? Well, Verbungle.com didn't get to be the number one Google search result for people looking for "verbungle" and the number two Google search result for people searching for dazed and confused characters (no quotes) by sitting on our verbungles waiting for someone to tell us what to do (a lesson that would pay off handsomely were it to be learned by a certain United States President).

So our next right hand column-space-taker is going to be The Verbungle.com Gatorade Project. Well, actually The Verbungle.com Gatorade Project Part 2. The Verbungle.com Gatorade Project Part 1 may have stalled in the early stages, but we stand by its originality and long-term viability. And more importantly, we don't hold a grudge against Gatorade and their fine line of beverages.

Here then is our idea for TVGP II: our staff will taste every flavor of Gatorade and rank them from best to worst. Each flavor will receive a rating somewhere from 0-30 based on taste and quenchosity. Note: none of these reviews will be done from memory, we actually need to go out and taste each flavor again with the project in mind**.  When I say, "our staff" I am referring to myself and any of you out there who'd like to participate. However, if anybody gives me any attitude about my rankings, I may just decide to do the whole thing alone. 

Anyway, I got a little start this weekend. The greyed-out flavors have not yet been sampled, and I have yet to find a comprehensive list of every flavor offered, so the list may grow. Have a look over at the right.

PLEASE NOTE: If you would like to participate, we ask that you send in a picture of yourself consuming the product you are reviewing (poorly shot example, here's another of a guy who isn't actually participating), in the interest of authenticity. We will link to this picture with your initials next to the review, so feel free to have fun with it. Make it a shot of you riding a powerful steed as you knock back a 20 oz. Fierce Grape. How about being bound and blindfolded while a hooker pours a 32 oz. X-Factor Lemon-lime + Strawberry down your gullet? Also, we don't want a whole written review, just a product name, the picture of you drinking it, and the score you are giving it. If you have a comment that you feel compelled to include, go ahead and include it, but keep it brief. For scoring guidelines, please refer to the reviews page.

We feel that this is a very important project. Let's not fuck it up.

***

It'll take at least couple of minutes out of your day to download. It's not well-shot and there's no amusing commentary. But I'm going to go ahead and recommend it anyway, because what it is is a short video of two squirrels fucking, including some hot on-the-tree action. So you may as well give it a clickety click.

***

I hope everyone has an excellent Labor Day. We all deserve it. Barbecue with authority if the opportunity arises. Be careful and spread love to one another. I hereby send my love to you and your most important amici and your cousin Donnie and the guy who works at the gas station and always has a smile for you and that girl you almost kissed 14 years ago but didn't because you had a girlfriend and even the guys out there who wear tight Chaps jean shorts by Ralph Lauren. You know who you are and I love you.

The wife and I are renting a car and taking the baby out into Jersey so we can stock up on household supplies. L-I-V-I-N, baby. Watch out for us.

***

This may come as old news to people with kids and as uninteresting to people without 'em, but let me just say that I love it when my baby daughter lets out a booming hobo fart right in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. She's the best.

* This is not an official Profile in Dignity, more of a courtesy warning about what Big Jim is capable of. His finer points will someday be discussed in his own PID.
** Except for Gatorade Extremo Citrico Vibrante and Gatorade X-Factor Fruit Punch + Berry, which were actually officially reviewed a few months back (#9, #44).