40 and change

Damn, I'm 40. As of like an hour ago. Quick, here's a live look at me in my 40's:

So far, here's what I've accomplished since I turned 40:

-hauled a bag of laundry upstairs
-watched the open from James at 15 on youtube
-drank a Brooklyner Weisse
-ate a granola bar
-started a blogpost, including a link to this bit of awesomeness
-mulled some shit over

So as you can see my 40's look to be pretty busy and productive, especially compared to the rest of my life. It's an exciting time for me.

Today I got in a conversation with a dude at work who is 6'5" and used to be able to dunk a basketball but no longer can. We are considering a Buddy Project where he will train to regain his dunking ability and I will train with the goal of regaining my ability to dunk a tennis ball. I think I am about 5 inches and 35 pounds away. Probably won't happen, especially as we recently purchased this year's bottle of office sippin' whisky. It's called "The Irishman" -- maybe you know the brand. We're already having fun with that name, and we are officially considering The Irishman a new member of our team. As in, "Who forgot to send in the XJ9 reports?" "Not me...must have been The Irishman."

Well, my 40's don't look to be as bad as I might have feared when I was 20. My life seems to be moving in a good direction. I'm happy. I've got a great kid and a spectacular wife. I have office sippin' whisky. I have a cool cell phone that takes movies. The Yankees are in first place and Derek Jeter has still not been tied to PED's. I walk without a limp. I have stopped eating candy and drinking soda. I have the same friends I've always had and I like them all. I am going to Lambeau Field in October. I am caught up on "Mad Men."

I could be handsomer, I could be richer, I could be capable of dunking a tennis ball. The Knicks could be better. Life could be easier.

But all told, turning 40 is better than the alternative.

50 is going to suck though.

consider this a warning

A lot of my friends are turning 40 lately. Crusty, pathetic old jive turkeys, every last one of 'em.

In March, I think 5 more of them turn 40. Embarrassing. Outrageous. Unthinkable.

I need to mark down their birthdays on a calendar so I can cut off our friendships within a few days of them hitting 40. There should be a little transitional period where I explain that we're not going to be friends anymore, and why. Let them get used to it, allow them a little time to ask any questions they might have. Take care of any unfinished friend business that may have been lingering between us.

I don't want to ruin their already shitty 40th birthdays with friendship-ending phone calls at 12:01 a.m. But I won't wait long, because I can't be hanging around a bunch of 40 year-old geezers. At least not until August, when I turn 40. No, you know what? Not even then.

Because once you hit 40, you are totally Donesville. Look at some names of people in their 40's: Roger Clemens. Tom Cruise. Danny Bonaduce. Losers. Lame-os.

Yeah, I know, what about all the cool people in their 40's? Like who? Like Obama? I guess, but he's not really cool in the sense that you'd desperately want to hang out with him even if he was an accountant. He's more impressive, in that middle-aged CEO Successful Dude way, than cool. If he's cool, it's cool as in "Man, you've got a cool dad, I wish my dad was cool like that."

And he'd be much cooler if he was like 34.

Go ahead, name someone in their 40's you think is cool. I'll find some bullshit reason to say they're not. Try me.

Let's face it, if I called you up this Saturday and was all, "Man, I heard about a great party tonight, you wanna come? It's got 6 awesome DJ's, an incredible space, free booze, etc." you might say, "Who's gonna be there?" and if I answered, "A bunch of people in their 40's" you'd be like, "No thank you!" You wouldn't even feel the need to make up an excuse. You'd just say no right to my face. Unless you're like 56 and then you might be like, "Sounds cool! I'm there!" But if you are 56, the truth is I wouldn't be calling you.

People in their 40's don't start anything cool, like say a Music Scene. They're too busy with boring adult stuff like tuition and prostate exams and regret and existential panic.

They don't know hip insider hangouts. They don't run or jump very well. They can't drop everything for an impromptu road trip. They're awful, awful people.

I'm not looking forward to it myself, I won't lie. I occasionally think about people's stupid lists like "40 things to do before you turn 40" and I think, making a list like that is such a crappy idea, it was probably started by somebody in their 40's. If I was forced to create such a list, I would stock it for sure with shit I've already randomly done, like, "See a no-hitter in person" or "Have a sister in a successful rock band." I would just leave a few open spaces at the end, for stuff I'd actually still like to achieve.

Something like this...

38. Become clever. A lot of people might think cleverness is overrated, even annoying. But I wish to hell I was clever. I wish I was the guy in the office who only cracked one joke every two weeks, but each time it left you wondering how that dude got so damn clever.

39. Grow a moustache. I think, actually, I might save this for post-40. The idea of getting old and dying seems more acceptable if I picture myself doing it with a big ol' moustache.

40. Dunk

Feel free to add a few more.

In the meantime, I would like to fill you in on one thing I will definitely be doing on my 40th birthday (that you can try too!): drinking a 40. Maybe 2.

Luckily, I'll already be so old that I won't realize the inherent lameness and desperation in this act.