consider this a warning

A lot of my friends are turning 40 lately. Crusty, pathetic old jive turkeys, every last one of 'em.

In March, I think 5 more of them turn 40. Embarrassing. Outrageous. Unthinkable.

I need to mark down their birthdays on a calendar so I can cut off our friendships within a few days of them hitting 40. There should be a little transitional period where I explain that we're not going to be friends anymore, and why. Let them get used to it, allow them a little time to ask any questions they might have. Take care of any unfinished friend business that may have been lingering between us.

I don't want to ruin their already shitty 40th birthdays with friendship-ending phone calls at 12:01 a.m. But I won't wait long, because I can't be hanging around a bunch of 40 year-old geezers. At least not until August, when I turn 40. No, you know what? Not even then.

Because once you hit 40, you are totally Donesville. Look at some names of people in their 40's: Roger Clemens. Tom Cruise. Danny Bonaduce. Losers. Lame-os.

Yeah, I know, what about all the cool people in their 40's? Like who? Like Obama? I guess, but he's not really cool in the sense that you'd desperately want to hang out with him even if he was an accountant. He's more impressive, in that middle-aged CEO Successful Dude way, than cool. If he's cool, it's cool as in "Man, you've got a cool dad, I wish my dad was cool like that."

And he'd be much cooler if he was like 34.

Go ahead, name someone in their 40's you think is cool. I'll find some bullshit reason to say they're not. Try me.

Let's face it, if I called you up this Saturday and was all, "Man, I heard about a great party tonight, you wanna come? It's got 6 awesome DJ's, an incredible space, free booze, etc." you might say, "Who's gonna be there?" and if I answered, "A bunch of people in their 40's" you'd be like, "No thank you!" You wouldn't even feel the need to make up an excuse. You'd just say no right to my face. Unless you're like 56 and then you might be like, "Sounds cool! I'm there!" But if you are 56, the truth is I wouldn't be calling you.

People in their 40's don't start anything cool, like say a Music Scene. They're too busy with boring adult stuff like tuition and prostate exams and regret and existential panic.

They don't know hip insider hangouts. They don't run or jump very well. They can't drop everything for an impromptu road trip. They're awful, awful people.

I'm not looking forward to it myself, I won't lie. I occasionally think about people's stupid lists like "40 things to do before you turn 40" and I think, making a list like that is such a crappy idea, it was probably started by somebody in their 40's. If I was forced to create such a list, I would stock it for sure with shit I've already randomly done, like, "See a no-hitter in person" or "Have a sister in a successful rock band." I would just leave a few open spaces at the end, for stuff I'd actually still like to achieve.

Something like this...

38. Become clever. A lot of people might think cleverness is overrated, even annoying. But I wish to hell I was clever. I wish I was the guy in the office who only cracked one joke every two weeks, but each time it left you wondering how that dude got so damn clever.

39. Grow a moustache. I think, actually, I might save this for post-40. The idea of getting old and dying seems more acceptable if I picture myself doing it with a big ol' moustache.

40. Dunk

Feel free to add a few more.

In the meantime, I would like to fill you in on one thing I will definitely be doing on my 40th birthday (that you can try too!): drinking a 40. Maybe 2.

Luckily, I'll already be so old that I won't realize the inherent lameness and desperation in this act.

sunday night grab bag

I played basketball the other day. Played well, better than last week. Last week was so bad I thought maybe I should just stop trying. Then this week was good enough to warrant another week. I'm at the point where if I am bigger, stronger, younger, better, healthier, better groomed and more motivated than the guy who's guarding me, I can be successful. Otherwise, I am basically just a big bag of dirty laundry out there. Unfortunately, most of the dudes who I play against are younger and better than me. Dicks.

I'm not ready to quit. Close, but not yet. I was never great at basketball, and now I am probably only 60% as good as I ever was. But that 60% is enough to make it fun for me. I think if I dip below 50% I will quit. I may blow out my ACL before that, time will tell.

It got me thinking: man, I'm 39 fucking years old. There is no standard by which that can be considered young. I'm sure if I was 82 I'd kill to be 39, but I still wouldn't consider it young. Is there anything I can do better at 39 than I could at 38? Or at 28? Not much.

And I started panicking just a wee bit, like: the best is behind me...shit I'll be 50 in like 10 years...I am probably entering my heart attack zone...what am I gonna do for fun when I can't play sports anymore?...why can't I grow sideburns?, etc.

And then it hit me. I drink better now than I did 10 years ago. And I bet I'll drink even better 10 years from now. If an old friend comes to town in 2023, and the schedule allows, I will go out to a bar with that old friend and we will share laffs and beers and we'll feel it and it'll be just fine.
Physically, I must admit that I don't drink with as much force as I did 10 years ago, or God help me, 20 years ago. And on the rare nights I do, the price is steeper. But that is part of my overall improvement as a drinker: I don't go out as much, and when I do, there are too many things that can get ruined if I go nuts-out maniac-style with the booze. Wife, baby, job -- I just can't fuck all that up and lose a day to a hangover like I used to. It's not to say I'll never do it again, but generally now going out for a beer means just a few beers and it's not open-ended and I'm not blacking out or waking up sweating in a pool of regret. When I look back, man, I was a pretty bad drinker as a kid.
The beers taste better now. You treasure each one. You watch the clock and savor the night and you don't take this brief burst of freedom for granted like you once may have. The time limit creates a desperation to the night that is kind of exciting.

Plus, you try to keep track of your wits, you don't spend $300 in an evening, you don't end up hating your friends or yourself the next day.

I'm looking forward to being 56. You'll give me a call to say you're in town for a couple of days, and then we'll go meet up around 9pm for like 3-4 hours of drinking and bullshitting. We'll go to a bar that's friendly to old men (7B?), but there will still be some young kids coming through and raising their eyebrows at us, the sad-eyed old-timers out chasing the night when the night has long since lost interest in us.

Look at those old bastards, they'll snicker. Drinking away their last years on earth.

Ah, kids, we'll say, as loud as we please. Too stupid to know what they've got.

And we'll both be right.

***

I am going on Weight Watchers starting Monday. Not the meetings or any of that crap. Just the points system. It'll work for a little while. I'd like to lose about 15 pounds. Then I will dunk on your head. After this, I will eat a million fritos and die with a smile on my face.

Also, while the jury is still out as to whether or not facebook is a positive force in the universe, I must admit I like it. But when I think about it, what I really enjoy about it is:
1) Reading people's status updates.
2) Connecting with people I'd lost touch with (although I'm sure this can turn out very badly).
3) Looking at people's pictures.
What I don't get is:
1) Becoming a 'fan' of something. Are there some benefits to this that I don't know about? If not, whoop-de-damn-do.
2) Joining a group. Eh, I guess I've done it, but it doesn't do much for me.
3) The "Wall". Only a fool would allow people to freely write on his or her wall. Conversations should be kept private.
4) Also, people need to be careful what they are posting, lest they humiliate themselves and/or others. There's no shield of anonymity on there, people are using their real names. If you say something about somebody or post a picture of your pal all drunk and stoopid, there's a chance other people will see it and then it's too late to get it back. Common sense applies.

I am ready to like the Knicks again. Even though they probably won't be truly competetive until the cavalry gets here in 2010, they have at least trimmed some of the fat from their roster and the dudes they got rid of were the dudes I really didn't like (mostly Randolph, to a lesser extent Crawford, plus Curry and Marbury aren't really part of the team anymore either). I haven't actually watched them since the trades but I plan on giving 'em a try soon.

38 not special

Ouch.

I am 38 years old today.

Old enough that I actually consider lying when people ask me my age, especially at work.

I played hoops for half an hour on Saturday against a bunch of dudes, mostly around 18-22 years old. They split us up into teams by age, and I was the oldest by far. The guy I was guarding was probably like 19 and he thought he was pretty good. I laid off him and dared him to make an outside shot. He insisted on driving and I blocked his shot like three times. On offense, I threw my fat ass around in the lane and got like 85% of the available rebounds. Then I'd roll out a few ancient head fakes and score. They started calling me "Vlade." That's what it's come to -- on a good day, my game inspires comparisons to a 55 year-old bearded Serb who looks like he's in desperate need of a shower. (Reality check: Vlade is only a year older than me and was actually well known for his extreme commitment to cleanliness.)

I'd like to fill you in with a pbdotc-style 'chicken soup' column in which I list all the things I've learned in my 38 years, but nothing comes to mind.

So let me just say that the world has been incredibly kind to me and I appreciate it with all my heart. My good breaks are way ahead of my bad breaks. I've got more than I could ever want and I love this planet as much as I did when I was 21. I can still run around and play and laugh and drink and high-five and sing like a true asshole when called upon.


Which leads me to discuss something that I really don't need.

Dudes, I didn't ask for it, I didn't plan on it, and I don't fully support it, but I am getting an iPhone today as a gift. And I will make love to it all night long.

Enjoy pbdotc's recap of Sunday night's softball in the rain. In my opinion it was the most satisfying game all season. Even if I still don't know how to shotgun a beer properly.

growing old takes the romance out of failure

First, a couple of clarifications/addendums to the Moustaches of Peace post.

1) The month I have off is UNPAID. Hopefully I am eligible for unemployment, but I definitely do not get paid by my current employer. So it ain't gonna be all that great, other than the fact that I will be spending it growing one of the most intense and, in a certain sense, significant moustaches of the last 20 years. Won't you join me?
2) Maybe the Paypal thing is too aggressive for the Moustache project. I think pledged donations are fine, and you can send in a check once you actually see me deliver the moustache you hoped for. So Paypal is coming down, don't think anybody used it anyway. So far I have the following pledge amounts:
Dipak: $20
D. Kois: $10
pbdotc: $10
Christina, Doug and cW are all in but without specific dollar amounts. You can make a pledge by clicking on the photo on the right, or you can just wait for the results and donate based on how much you enjoy the final product. And of course, you can back out at any time (assuming you don't care about disabled war veterans).
3) I really enjoyed the Moustache Starting Fives you all put together. I am going to give everybody who submitted one a ten point bonus and I am going to give the 30 point Grand Prize to pbdotc. His list contained four moustache icons and then a nice humorous finish with Rosie O'Donnell. Well done to him and to the rest of you as well. It was a very tough decision.
4) I forgot that my 5-year wedding anniversary is on June 1st. So in the interest of complete disclosure, let me announce that the moustache project will actually get underway on 6/2/07.

I left my cellphone in a cab this weekend. I was on my way to basketball and I got dropped off at 11th st. and 6th ave. The driver pulled away and then a minute or so later I reached into my pocket and realized the phone was gone. I could still see the cab -- he was stopped at the light at the corner of 11th street and 7th avenue. I know that's a crazy 3-street intersection -- Greenwich Ave., 11th st. and 7th avenue -- because a kid in my elementary school got decapitated by a truck while crossing the street there in like 3rd grade. Armed with the knowledge that it would probably be a long light, I decided to make a dash for it. I ran right in the street, full sprint, flailing my arms so if he looked in his rear view he migt see me (I suspect he did, but chose not to care). When I got to about the halfway point in the block, the light changed and he drove away, making a left onto 7th avenue. I almost gave up but decided to push through in the hope that he got hailed again. Sure enough, someone had flagged him down and he pulled over. I was still a good 80 feet away as he started to pull from the curb, but at this point I simply was not going to let him escape. I screamed out "TAXI" like a goddamn lunatic and he heard me. He stopped, I opened the back door, and there was my cellphone, gently tucked under the ass of the new passenger.

It would have been a happy story except:
1) I hate my cellphone because it keeps shutting down for no reason.
2) I pulled a muscle in my lower leg and after about three or four good games of ball, the leg shut down completely and still hurts.

The moral of the story is that old greasebags like me have to stretch before doing anything physical.

It was a good weekend anyway. Hope you dug it too.

Oh, I figured out with 92% certainty what it is that happened in the last 15 years that fucked up professional (and college) basketball. Remind me to tell you sometime. Or you can state your own opinion and if it matches my (92% correct) opinion, you get 20 GP's.