dlee dnight dlight

3 posts in 3 days? What the hell is going on? It must be HIATUS. I spent an awesome day reliving my childhood through Baby Bungle: playing in the fountain in Washington Square Park, walking through the village with that post-swim-shower summer coolness in the air, and finishing it up with a Rocco's Itailian ice. Couldn't have been better (except that the battery on my new phone seems to still be draining at a ridiculous rate, despite implementing the tips provided by PoCho Pete).

Anyway, today's post comes to us courtesy of DLee, who has masterfully broken down the NBA Draft once again. Here it is:

NBA DRAFT (5.0% ALCOHOL)

Okay, I know a lot of folk barely follow the NBA anymore (*much less the draft) but i have a compulsive desire to opine on this shit every year regardless. Yes, everyone says this years crop is weak (*I disagree, it just lacks guaranteed superstars) but there’s a fun narrow talent gap in picks 4 through 24 that should make things unpredictable and amusingly chaotic. Also, it's a strong year for point guards and God knows the Knicks need one (*God also knows we're guaranteed to fuck it up in spite of that fact). Anyway, maybe this post’ll help the apathetic folk in Verbungle-land get a little more caught up on this NBA crud so y’all can actually care about or watch the draft without thinking, "-who the fuck are all these players?? I kinda remember but.."

That said, here's a refresher guide to who sux and who doesn't:

PG

1) Ricky Rubio/Italy: the paisan passing Pistol Pete. I'm sure D'Antoni has a hard-on for this guy like you wouldn't believe. Some folk (namely, Brandon Jennings) say he's overrated. Some say he's a taller John Stockton. He probably falls somewhere in between. From what I've seen he's a sick passe/ballhandler with tremendous defensive potential. Just needs to learn how to shoot (*how fucking odd for a international star guard, no?). I think he's gonna start slow but eventually put it together in a big way (*assuming he doesn't crumble under the scrutiny).

upside: John Stockton
downside: Jason Williams
reality: Kirk Hinrich

2) Steph Curry/Davidson: can shoot from anywhere ..and i don't mean that in a bullshit JJRedick way. he's a real scorer who can use numerous angles and play off the dribble. only problem is i don't know if he can play D or play the point legit. Needs to be in the right situation.

Upside: bizzaro-world Tony Parker
Downside: Randolph Childress
Reality: Chris Jackson

3) Jonny Flynn/Syr: my boy! if anyone recalls how much I loved Rondo that's how I feel about Flynn this year (and maybe Lawson to smaller extent). man, i hope the Knicks "do the right thing" and snatch him up (no offense to Nate ..sorry homie). Flynn is a SICK ballhandler, knows how to run the show and has NYC size heart. Initially, i thought the one drawback would be his size but after finding out that Flynn may actually be THE best athlete in the draft (*he tested crazy good on vertical/speed/strength) I genuinely think he's a money in the bank NBA starter/winner. Unfortunately, many teams have jumped the same bandwagon. he may not even be there at 8 for the Knicks ..argh.

upside: Tim Hardaway
downside: Keyon Dooling
reality: Jameer Nelson

4) Brandon Jennings/Italy: played in Italy and didn't do shit. now he's calling ricky Rubio overrated. funny, if i was the top HS USA prospect getting mad press coverage and being paid millions to put up 10 points and 3 assists a game in Italy i'd shut the fuck up about someone ELSE being overrated. Jennings is very talented but something tells me he's a bit of a punk-ass. There's too many point guards in this draft to take a chance on a douche like this over other proven prospects.

upside: Monta Ellis
downside: Marcus Banks
reality: too tough to call.

4) Jaru Holiday/UCLA: this guy has been blasting all over the draft charts. some have him late first. some have him at 4. he was super hyped outta HS but had a weak year at UCLA. most blame the coach and sight the development of Moute & Westbrook as reasons to think Holiday will excel in the pros. he's supposed to be a good defender but his O seems a bit weak. draft at your own risk.

upside: uhh..has a guy like this ever turned out REALLY good..?
downside: Will Solomon
reality: Antonio Daniels

5) Jeff Teague/Wake: started off the year like a man on fire. kinda sputtered out as the year went on. wish he woulda stayed in school one more year. still, he's got some serious NBA skillz. just needs to keep his head on straight.

upside: Steve Francis
downside: Will Avery
reality: Rafer Alston

6) Eric Maynor/VCU: only saw this guy play in the tourney but i liked what i saw. good size. seems smart. there's usually one good point guard in every draft who comes from a small school. this could be that guy.

upside: DeLonte West
downside: Anthony Johnson
reality: Alvin Williams

7) Ty Lawson/UNC: wow. his stock is dropping like a stone because he didn't "test" well at the combine. funny, i'd think a better test is guiding your team to a national championship while playing with an injury. this guy falling is gonna be a classic case of moronic GM's passing on a known talent/winner for lame-ass reasons and having to explain their stupidity later (*ex: Jameer Nelson, Gilbert Arenas, Tyshawn Prince, Josh Howard, etc).

Upside: TJ Ford
downside: Jaque Vaughn
reality: Avery Johnson

8) Pat Mills/St.Marys: remember the Aussi PG who was giving team USA fits with his blazing speed? that was THIS guy. still, he broke his hand this year and hasn't been the same since. a bit small and can't shoot. needed to go back to school and have a big year --too bad he didn't. coulda been somebody.

upside: Ramon Sessions
downside: suicidal regret
reality: Kyle Lowery

9) Tony Douglas/Fla St: tough guy. might have a shot to make it. plays killer D and had fastest running time at the rookie combine. still, he's more of a scorer than a point guard. he'll have a solid career somewhere..it could be in the NBA..it could be in Italy.

upside: Mike James
downside: jobless
reality: 10-11th man in NBA

10) Darren Collison/UCLA: *sigh* i thought he was gonna turn out better than this. he really had some bad breaks regarding the way shit went down at UCLA over the last couple years. personnel and coaches kinda stunted his development. now he's just trying to make it. i hope he can. he's got some nice skillz.

upside: Chris Duhon
downside: Israel
reality: Ronnie Price

OG

1) Tyreke Evans/Memph: athletic young buck. finishes. allegedly plays D. allegedly can play some point (*bullshit). jumper troubles. possibly a dickhead. super hyped outta HS. got a slow start then ended year well.

upside: Jerry Stackhouse
downside: Hasaan Adams
reality: poor man's Andre Igoudala

2) Damar DeRozen/USC: see Tyreke Evans.

upside: Kerry Kittles
downside: Julius Hodge
reality: Larry Hughes

3) Chase Budinger/Ariz: the tease. he's got a really nice game for a USA whiteboy. good hops ~check. jumper ~check. creativity ~check, just hasn't consistantly dominated at any point like he should. the fact that Arizona hasn't done shit over the last couple years despite having Budinger, lottery-pick Jordan Hill, and solid PG Wise makes you wonder what's wrong with these guys, too soft? too lazy? a good mid-late 1st pick. anywhere before that is a deadly roll of the dice.

upside: Dunleavy Jr.
downside: Drew Barry
reality: Brent Barry

4) Gerald Henderson/Duke: if he wasn't a Dukie i'd like this guy for the NBA. any GM taking this guy sooner than 15 better go to church services before the draft. he plays hard and he's got athleticism comparable to D.Wade but it could be total fools gold. Hendo's got no mid-range game, he's kinda undersized, his jumper is iffy and ...he's from motherfucking Duke. still, i was wrong about Russell Westbrook sooo..

upside: John Starks
downside: Shannon Brown
reality: Dahntay Jones

5) Terrance Williams/L-ville: could be the steal of the draft. he's a winner and competes with major cajones. understands the game, defends and plays team ball. won't be a superstar be can be a big part of a successful franchise.

upside: Paul Pressey
downside: Jeryl Sasser
reality: smarter Michael Pietrus

6) Wayne Ellington/UNC; he can shoot. he's got solid size. he's from UNC. he did well in the NCAA. still, nobody is really excited by this guy. tough call.

upside: Brandon Rush
downside: JaRon Rush
reality: Kareem Rush

7) Marcus Thornton/LSU: Jonah likes this guy. i think he's undersized and plays a college game. translation..

upside: Kirk Snyder
downside: Andre Emmett
reality: Maurice ager

SF

1) Earl Clark/L-ville: the enigma. LaBron like athlete (*oh, the blasphemy!). Now when i say that what I mean is: at 6'10" this guy moves like a freakishly strong and athletic guard. Can shoot some, pass like guard, put it on the floor and his defensive potential is through the roof. Still, he never fully dominated and a lot of folk question his heart and head. Frankly, I'd take him regardless. They said the same thing about Rudy Gay and he turned out well..

upside: Rudy Gay
downside: Eddie Griffin
reality: Boris Diaw (*I actually like him better than Rudy Gay but whatev..)

2) Sam Young/Pitt: before this year, I thought this guy didn't have a chance to make it. I"ve kinda changed my tune. He's a really good athlete who plays his ass off and can finish and hit a mid-range shot. Coaches love that shit.

upside: James Posey
downside: Brian Davis
reality: Tony Allen

3) DuJuan Summers/G-town: was viewed as potential lotto early in the year. reality and G-town's crappy year caught up to de-rail all that bullshit. I never thought much of this guy. seems kinda mediocre at everything and great at nothing. also a bit of a tweener at the forward spot.

upside: Bobby Simmons
downside: sux ass
reality: Dorell Wright

4) Austin Daye/Gonzaga: the Kalista Flockhart of the draft ..skinny and disappointing. he was all hyped at Gonzaga then didn't do shit. tested horrible at the draft combine as well. still, he's lanky with a multiple skill set so GM's are still curious. he shoulda gone back to school. i got a feeling he's gonna be a bust-o.

upside: Jonathan Bender
downside: Jonathan Bender
reality: worse than Jonathan Bender

5) Dante Cunningham/Temple: old school. he's the kind of guy you pick up at the blacktop and he just wins game after game. leaves young punks scratching their head on how they lost to a guy who lives only on smarts and fundamental team play. he'll be a second rounder but i wouldn't be surprised if he has a long 10th man bench career somewhere.

upside: Sam Mitchell
downside: Sam Mitchell's coaching career
reality: Jared Dudley

6) DaMare Carroll/Miso: remember Mizzo's big NCAA run? the guy with the sweaty dreds flopping all over the court at crunchtime? that was THIS guy. he's a weird hustle combo forward who just knows how to get the job done. doesn't have your prototypical pro game but he has a shot to be a coach's pet down the bench. could be a second round steal.

upside: Ryan Gomes
downside: smelly dreds
upside: Renaldo Balkman

PF

1) Blake Griffin/Okl: the Terminator. not human. a beast. as a Mixed Martial Arts junkie I'd love to see what this guy would do in the Octagon. Oh well, we'll just have to suffer an amazingly productive NBA career instead, This guy was my dream pick for the Knicks if he came out last year. too bad for us. the only thinkable way anything could go wrong with this guy is if he gets drafted by the Cli~.......*oh wait* ~that actually happened! pray for him.

upside: Antonio McDyess (*healthy version)
downside: Kenyon Martin
reality: Carlos Boozer

2) Jordan Hill/Ariz: warning. looks like a player but seems like there's always a guy like this in the draft who tends to disappoint. meaning: a raw athletic big man with questionable understanding of the game who suddenly becomes a hot property (*ex: Ty Thomas, C. Wilcox, Tony Battie, S Swift, etc). Considering the fact he manned an Arizona team that included Buddinger, Bayless and Wise yet STILL couldn't win at college level ..i say something's wrong.

upside: Ben Wallace with offense (*dream on)
downside: S. Swift
reality: Chris Wilcox

3) DuJuan Blair/Pitt: uh-oh. big boy. used to be fat --but now he's not! heck, he's the trimmest he's even been right before the draft! hmm. funny how that works. bet: once he gets paid --cheeseburger attack! don't get me wrong, Blair plays hard and is a beast on the boards. the thing is, guys who were once fat usually return to their Little Debbie ways down the line (*O. Miller, S. May, Eddy Curry, etc). Late first or early second, i like taking a chance on this guy ..anywhere before that = ulcer city.

upside: Paul Milsap
downside: "Tractor" Traylor
reality: Kenny Thomas

4) Tyler Hansbrough/UNC: come on. do you even have to ask? I just DON'T see it happening for this guy (*by the way: as lifelong UNC fan I have no idea how this guy is NOT from Duke ..when i see him i imagine how black people felt watching Soul Man, "..you really expect me to believe HE can pass as one of us?? JUST LOOK AT HIM!) i respect the guy plays as hard as he can and gets the absolute most of his abilities buuuut ..his shit is gonna get THROWN in the NBA. still, he'll hang around based on his hustle.

upside: Andres Nocioni
downside: Mark Madsen
reality: Brian Cardinal

5) James Johnson/Texas: i don't really know this guy. saw him once. seems mediocre. can shoot and rebound a little. supposedly showed up overweight for the draft combine. that ain't a good sign.

upside: whatever
downside: whatever
reality: whatever

6) Taj Gibson/Ga: saw him play a little. seems ok at a lot of stuff and not great at anything.

upside: NBA bench
downside: homeless on park bench
reality: China

CENTER

1) Hasheem Thabeet/UConn: danger. I really feel that people are banking waaaay too hard on Thabeet being a lock as an NBA player. Sure, he will be a phenomenal shot-blocker no matter what. So was Jim McIllvaine, Tree Rollins and Marvin Webster. I wouldn't take those guys at TWO. Also, I don't agree with the Mutumbo comparison because Dikembe was tough and had great lower-body strength that helped make him one of the best rebounders of all-time. Thabeet moves like a newborn calf (*which may lead to foul trouble) and has almost zero offensive upside (*think Sagana Diop). Yes, he'll block a shitload of shots but..

upside: Tyson Chandler
downside: Jim MCIllvaine
reality: Samuel Dalembert

2) BJ Mullens/Ohio St.: tall white hyped douchebag trailertrash. he was so hyped before coming outta HS people had him labeled the # 2 pick early last year. flash forward: he can't even got off the BENCH on his Ohio St. team. I've seen him play and viewed the potential (ie: athletic, moves well, somewhat smooth.) but he seems soooo clueless, self-entitled and unmotivated that I can't imagine this guy handling the daily waxing/pine-time he's gonna rack up his first 4 years in the league. hell, if he starts developing 4 years in, the team that drafted him won't even reap the reward due to free agency ..so what's the point?

upside: rich man's Primoz Brezec (*if such a thing exists)
downside: Eric Chenowith meets Maciej Lampe freakazoid
reality: Kwame Brown

(*forgive the type-o’s and lack of ultra high-level snark ..i did this in bit of a rush)

~dust.

dlee

iPhone 3GS review

Hey fools, I was lucky enough to receive a brand new iPhone for father's day, and I picked the thing up yesterday. Here are my impressions, which are probably no different than a million other reviews online, except that mine are less informed. So read closely.

I was upgrading from the original iPhone, so the improvements seem very significant to me. I will limit my review to these points. Know going in that the original iPhone blew my mind -- and what I really loved about it most was the one thing I didn't think I'd care about: that it replaced the need to carry multiple devices. It was my iPod and my phone and my video player and my barbitrator. It was an electronic swiss army knife, and I don't think I can ever go back to multiple devices again.

1. Speed -- it is called the 3GS and the S supposedly stands for "Speed" (or "Scrotumulous", I can't remember). And it is plenty quicker going between apps, etc. than my original iPhone. I bet it isn't as dramatically different from the 2nd gen iPhone, but it is probably a little better. I enjoy the lack of delays between when I click on soomething and when it opens.

2. 3G -- this is the data standard that AT & T is now using, replacing the much slower EDGE standard that ran on my old iPhone. I haven't really been able to notice a big speed change yet, although I assume there is one. The downside is that the 3G network seems to use up a whole lot more battery life, maybe because my phone is searching for a network all day. Dunno, but the phone is draining much faster, to the point where it can't survive an intense day of work without a recharge. This has to change.

3. Battery life -- supposedly the battery life gets better and better with each phone, now allowing you to play like 30 straight hours of music on one charge. I am skeptical and worried that I may have a dud battery, because as I mentioned, this fucker is draining faster than a mofo.

4. 32GB HD -- this is pretty damn good. On my old phone, I had 8GB of storage, so I only downloaded a small percentage of my music onto the phone. On the bright side, that forced me to be selective, and I never had to listen to the ultra-crappy songs in my library. Of course, I chose which songs to sync in like 8 minutes on the way to work one day, and I never got around to roatating new ones in. So lots of good stuff was out, and I got real sick of the ones that were in. With 32GB, I can actually fit my entire iTunes library, which represents like 80% of the music I own, onto the phone. Sure, lots of crap tunes come up in the shuffle, but so do a lot of gems that hadn't made the cut on the old phone. Even if you can't fit your whole library onto the phone, 32GB is plenty of space. So is 16GB. Rock on. In the last two days, I've heard about 40 songs I had forgotten I loved. I will slowly weed out the duds. Plus, the big hard drive lets me add lots of...

5. Videos -- I am torn because I think that the more low-quality video we shoot as a species, the more we will regret it 35 years from now when we think, "Why didn't we get an HD camcorder and document things right?" But I for one am too lazy to tote a real camera with me every time I go out, and I like to think that I'll be happy for whatever footage exists from Baby Bungle's childhood, low-end tho it may be. That said, this video is SCHWEET for a camera phone: good audio, good video, totally watchable, AND ALWAYS WITH YOU! That is the important thing. Here is an example of a video I shot on the phone. You can upload video straight from the phone to youtube, which is really neat and not as time consuming as you might think.



Here are a few things people will be doing with that shit:

-drunken bar videos/Late Night Hasselhoffian Hamburger Fests
-video messages to loved ones -- such as a military family who are separated (and awkward attempts by high school boys to woo hot girls who are just not interested)
-wives checking up on husbands by demanding they make videos instantly of what they are doing/where they are/who they are with
-bad bad concert videos/sporting event videos
-when you meet someone in a bar, you can make a short video of them so you can decide soberly the next day what they look like and how stupid they are and if they are actually worth calling
-driveway hoops battles royale
-nanny cam?
-shooting footage of a perp in the act of a felony, then being seen by said perp and murdered
-mostly, 5-10 second pretzel eating clips

-6. Compass/GPS -- this will someday help me, even if so far I disagree with it on the concept of "North" like 70% of the time. The amazing thing for you drivers it now has GPS and a compass, and there will soon be a real turn by turn navigation app right on the phone itself, which you'll be able to mount on your dash, eliminating the need for another device. For me, it's cool just to be able to type the name of a store, etc. into the Maps app, and have a pin marking the location pop up right away. I tried putting in "ho's" and a bunch of stuff came up. Be careful.

7. The camera -- it still lags way behind your digital camera and probably a lot of other phone cams, but it is serviceable and slightly improved. There is a touch-to-focus feature that I think I probably will like. One thing I hate about the camera and it would be easy to fix is the location of the shutter button. It's awkward to press and in reaching for it I often find myself shaking the camera. Here is an example of the camera's power to document raw human sexiness:

And here is another shot I was able to capture of the North American Flightless Bad DeNiro.

9. The new headpones -- they are better, with more controls. But I think I will break them in about two weeks.

10. Voice Control -- cool, but not something I need.

11. The new iPhone 3.0 OS -- everyone should download this free upgrade, no matter which iPhone they have. It adds some long overdue stuff.

12. Phone calls -- still terrible. If making phone calls is "your thing", you probably won't like the iPhone. AT & T sucks and I think Apple may have even lowered the headset volume on this model to make calls somehow less intelligible, so you don't even really consider using it to make calls. I think I will just text from now on.

Overall, assuming the battery thing is resolved, this phone is now my favorite non-living item in the universe. If you already have the 3G, I probably would wait til next June when an even more asskickety new model will be unveiled. But if you are on the original iPhone or some other wack phone and you want to improe your life by like 25%, I say go drop a couple hunnert on this thing. And make yourself a sex tape ASAP.

HERE-ATUS

Yeah.

IT'S HERE.

First mission was a Friday night work bowling outing. I threw out my back last week and it doesn't seem to be getting any better but I bowled anyway. Because that's what bowlers do; they bowl.

Hopefully the back gets better because there's lots of HIATUSing to do. Lefthanded. Righthanded. Blindfolded. Pants-free. Rain, shine, your momma's house and back. I'ma do it allz.

Still not sure what that will mean, but here are a few things I'd like to achieve, time allowing:

getting new deluxe tutsi fruitsi iPhone (done! -- review to come)
high-fiving (done)
dunking
drinking iced coffee like it's about to become illegal
getting bike out of storage and cleaning it up (again)
losing weight and burying it in the desert somewhere
going to Chicago?
playing lots of basketball
going to the beach
drinking a daytime beer or two
stressing about shit that got messed up at work
seeing two movies
attending at least 2 professional baseball games
sleeping in like 8 times
picking up my police shield
seeing pals in L.A.
seeing pals in SF?
throwing a ball as hard as I can
eliminating my strange back pain

I have also ruled a few things out. Here is what I will NOT be doing:

flash-mobbin'
making a citizen's arrest
frontin'
drag racing
heroin
eating goose
going out for the field hockey team
hopping turnstiles
getting in a fistfight with a chimpanzee
spearfishing
undergoing more than one sex change operation
divorcing billy joel
listening to billy joel
forearm bashing

The suggestion box is open.

15 reasons I hate the Lakers

1. Kobe Bryant may be a rapist. At the very least, he's a shithead.

2. My dad hated Los Angeles and all of its teams. He was born in Chicago, moved to New York in 1954, and never learned to drive a car. He spent the summer of 1980 in Los Angeles, working on a TV pilot that didn't get picked up and relying on friends and buses to get around town. Los Angeles just didn't work for him, and he resented it 'til he died.

3. Derek Fisher and Pau Gasol fall down when touched. I wonder if this extends into their everyday lives, making it impossible for them to take public transportation or attend rock shows.

4. They still have the nerve to call themselves the Lakers while Minnesota's team is forced to call themselves the Timberwolves. I don't think a team called the Timberwolves can ever win a championship.

5. Whatever Wes Matthews did to deserve this must have been pretty bad.*


6. Phil Jackson is a smug, arrogant prick. Yes he is.

7. Sasha Vaginavich.

8. Los Angeles is a town full of phonies. Right, Los Angeles?

9. Jealousy. The Knicks suck and have for the better part of the last 35 years.

10. The Lakers have more bandwagon fans than any team in any sport except for the Yankees and the Cowboys.

11. Chick Hearn is dead.

12. The Great Failed Ring Grab of 2004.

13. I suspect that Luke Walton may not be a legitimate NBA player.

14. Arsenio can't get good seats anymore.

15. Flea's irredeemably stupid and largely incoherent Lakers blog.

*Thanks for the awesome pic, BJL. I know how hard you worked to get it.

IAQ vol. LXIX

Q: When is HIATUS? Any plans?

A: Starts in two weeks, lasts about 6 weeks. Plans: two and a half week California trip. Disneyland. Hoops. Beach. New books. Up to LA for a night or two with pals. Back to NYC. A couple of afternoon sessions at the bar. A matinee. An afternoon in Sheep Meadow. Good exercise and good clean living.

Plus a life-changing fitness plan that could put money in YOUR pocket. Wait til you hear (I figure out) the details.

Q: What do you make of LeBron walking off the floor and then out of the arena without saying anything to anyone?

A: I think it's lame. You get beat, you take your lumps, you act like a pro, you congratulate the guys who did it to you. Now if he had some extenuating reason for his mysterious walk-off (diarrhea?), I might think otherwise, but here was his reasoning:

"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

So I guess the answer is, he's just a poor sport. I hope you're taking notes, little kids. It doesn't make sense for you to go over and shake somebody's hand unless you win -- in which case of course it makes no sense for your opponent to shake your hand.

All that said, I forgive the dude, and I still love him. And I know that means a lot to him. LeBron, my friend, you can crash on the Bungle Couch indefinitely when you sign with the Knicks and are looking for a place of your own.

Q: What do you wish would go away forever? (Not counting obvious and hopelessly permanent things like war, famine, etc. -- I mean things that might really go away)

A: Bathrooms with attendants. Websites with Flash intros. Jay Leno's career. Anchovies. Kobe. People who don't clean up after their stupid dogs. Slobbering Apple apologists.

Q: What do you always want more more more of?

A: David Sedaris books. HIATUSes. Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips. Big empty grassy fields. Beer fridges.

Q: What do you think of the new iPhone?

A: Well, it basically has all the things I assumed it would, but not much else. Do I want it? Yes. Was I hoping for more? Yeah, but I have no idea what exactly I thought it would do. It does all the cool stuff you would want, I think. I will get one when my contract runs out unless the world turns upside down.

Q: What is your favorite sport?

A: Hoops. I will record a basketball game and watch it later, sometimes even if I know who won. Won't do this with any other sport. I love basketball with an irrational and eternal passion. It has been this way since the moment I first fell for this game. I will defend it when I know it's wrong, I will stay with it even when it thoughtlessly breaks my heart, I will dream about it when it is off with another man. I can't help it. You got me, roundball.

Q: What do you think of Conan O'Brien's new show?

A: I dunno, Conan's definitely a funny guy and his old show sometimes made me double over with laughter, but I am totally unexcited about the new show. One thing people don't usually mention about Conan is that he has a pretty bad personality. Dude gets on my nerves to the point where I can only watch the comedy bits on the sow, not the interviews. He doesn't seem to have a real soul, at least not on air. I can't root for him or identify with him in any way.

Q: I was in a deli tonight and they had an over-the-counter sexual aid called "Weekend Prince." This is obviously the best name anyone will ever come up with for such a product, but do you have any other ideas along these lines, i.e. not so much focused on the penis but more on a euphemistic, symbolic notion of satisfaction?

A: Captain Suave. Rise and Shine. The Butler. Throbbing Commando. The Courteous Houseguest. Old Reliable. Up and At 'Em. Dashing Stranger. Randy's Way. The Total Gentleman. Pardon Me, Ma'am. Discreet Intruder. Shall We Dance? Valiant Sailor. Mr. Bang Bang. Straight Shooter. Uncle Tim's Parlor Trick. Doctor Yes. Tussy.

Please feel free to add your own.