a city worth leaving

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Today's villain is the old man at Paragon who tries to sell you the baseball gloves. My friend Dinny recently had to go there in search of a new softball glove. I think Dinny managed to avoid the prick (wrong). The guy is such a pushy creep I want to run and hide when he approaches me. He tried to sell me one of those lobster-style Rawlings gloves a few months ago. I think it was called "the vise." It was a piece of shit, and he forced me to put it on and have a catch with him. That's what he does. He tosses you little lob throws from nine feet away. When you catch the ball, he nods as if to say, "Some glove, huh?" The throws are so soft I could catch them with a Freezy Freaky or some crumpled-up paper towels. But to him, the fact that you are able to catch the ball is irrefutable proof that the glove has been blessed with magic. You'd have to be a fool not to take it. He also badgers you and insults you, maneuvers he must have learned at some sales seminar in 1957. He'll be like, "You could get that other glove, but that would be stupid. This glove is just way better, anyone can see that. It was featured on The Today Show." I don't think I've ever seen the old bastard make a sale. Maybe he's a millionaire and he just comes to work as part of some sociological experiment. Either way, he's trouble. Stay away from him. New Yorkers, you know the guy I'm talking about. He's on that list of "Things that are just completely substandard about New York City, but that we all have to deal with at some point."

1. Him

2. Nobody Beats the Wiz - you know you've bought something there

3. Dirty Fast Food Restaurants

4. Times Square

5. Sbarro

6. Al Trautwig's continuing presence in our lives

7. Sterling and Kay

8. 6th Avenue

That's just the tip of the partially submerged turd. Let me know what else I've forgotten.

Dinny's list:

-Dogshit

-huge cockroaches

-The Hard Rock Cafe

-Spike Lee at Knicks games

-Shea Stadium

-Charles Smith

-sidewalk booksellers

-Gypsy cabs

-Mike Francesa

- SoHo

-The old subway station at 72nd and broadway

-those ridiculously long city-block length buses

-Bums

-The Zodiac Killer

-Robert Chambers

-NYU students

-Having to dial 1-212

- Jackhammers

- Rats

- Methadone clinics

- Penn Station

Pete adds:

you know what's sub-standard about manhattan? the way you can't get near either of the rivers ... anywhere. what a waste.

Ambrose's List:

-rent control/ more specifically, rent control for
the few

-the way it took 20 years for most of the city to
get cable

- all the municipal union horseshit

- 28,000 cops (!)

- the subway

- the airports

- Gray's Papaya as a landmark

- Trump anything

- Little Italy about as Italian now as Harlem

- Harlem

- The Bronx's "comeback"

- the Mets

- MSG Network, generally

- CBS News

- the Village Voice

- the New York Press

- the New York Times Magazine

- Firefighter pride and heroism

- Al Sharpton

- Hasidim

- tourists

-people from Queens who write their neighborhood
on their address:
Flushing, NY; Astoria, NY; Sunnyside, NY, etc

...and Chris's reasons never to leave

Ok, we all know that for New Yorkers complaining about the city is about as
natural as a dog shitting on the sidewalk (with an owner who lets the
steaming turd lie). But move away, then see how you jaded bastards feel. NYC
may be a loud, stinking terrorist target with one too many guys who insist
on going shirtless on the crowded subway, but the rest of the country has
drive-through Starbuckses. As a wistful ex-pat New Yorker here's my partial
list of things that are good and right about that town:

-San Loco
-Bryant Park
-NYPL main branch
-7B
-4 a.m. bar time
-after hours bars
-dirty deli owners who will happily sell you beer after hours
-neigbors who never, ever complain about drunken jackasses routinely dancing
to the Pixies at 6 a.m.
-hidden Chelsea art galleries
-Grand Central Terminal (and knowing that Grand Central Station is a post
office)
-HoJo's in Times Square
-the time I saw a guy strolling East 9th Street in full medieval armor
-Sunday morning rock shows at the Knitting Factory featuring free all you
can eat Krispy Kremes
-anything that's open 24 hours
-Roosevelt Island, and knowing you never have to go there
-never having to drive
-taxis
-Prospect Park
-they finally fucking finished Union Square
-the subway ride to Yankee Stadium
-Yankee Stadium
-egg creams (just kidding)
-the Chrysler Building
-choose your own speed limit on the FDR Drive
-hipster chicks sunbathing in Tompkins Square
-CBGB (yes, still)
-Bowery Ballroom
-Chinatown (NOT Canal Street)
-getting anything (and I mean anything) delivered right to your damn door
-4th of July rooftop parties complete with view of fireworks
-The Ramble
-the growing bike path along the river
-old school graffiti you can still spot in MetroNorth tunnels