get me some of them rice and beans

"They pick me [to be tested] every time. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm a big guy, or what, but all I know is all they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans."

-David Ortiz, March 2005
Big Papi, the defining hero in Red Sox postseason history*, is a cheating cheater. The Red Sox, like the Yankees and everyone else who has been good at baseball in the last 20 years, are cheating cheaters.

Did you have doubts?

I'm honestly a little sad for Ortiz. But oh so happy that Boston's two titles are now covered in smelly taint. (Insert taint joke here.)

At least Albert Pujols is clean.

Bwahahahahahaha

*More than Curt Schilling, I think

tongue-biters vol. I

This is a new feature in which I will describe something I nearly said but didn't -- the rare moments in my life where my brain thought something and my mouth managed to slam on the brakes before it reached the ears of other humans.

The situation: I am riding the elevator down from my office. We stop at the 2nd floor, which is home to an antique shop. A man gets on carrying a fireplace set: a shovel for ashes, a poker, etc.

What I wanted to say: "Hey buddy, where's the fire?"

Why I didn't say it: I had never met him or any of the other people on the elevator. I wasn't sure if they would get the joke, or if indeed the joke was funny. I thought saying the word "fire"on an elevator might make everyone nervous.

Would I say it if I had another chance? Yes.

hijacked HIATUS

I am at work tomorrow. I've been at work 4 times already over the last two weeks, called in to supervise a fairly brainless, low-stress project. Plus I had jury duty. Before that, two weeks in California, which was great but was more of a formal vacation than a whogivesafuck HIATUS. For the first time since I started getting HIATUSes, I don't really feel like I had a full HIATUS. Which isn't to say I didn't get a nice chunk of time off, it was just all spent doing stuff. Planned stuff.

I am NOT complaining, just observing.

The good news is I've made some money, avoided The Dole, caught up on some personal shit, read some books, and I don't have to do jury duty again until 2015.

The sad news is I'm not going to make it to Chicago for a college pal reunion this weekend. If you are going to be there, I request that you do all of the following things in my honor:

-eat sausage
-eat gross deep dish Chicago style pizza
-drink Old Style
-play Buzz
-play bean bag toss game
-blast The Replacements at 4am with total disregard for the rest of humanity
-go to a Cubs game; actively watch less than 10% of it
-high five till your palms explode
-shamelessly reminisce and embellish the memories when necessary -- try to make me the focal point of all the cool stories
-refrain from texting me after 11pm, I am an old man and I need my shuteye

Before I go, I want to do a quick HIATUS status report. It's not complete yet, as I'm actually off most of next week. Here goes, based on my humble wish list:

getting new deluxe tutsi fruitsi iPhone -- CHECK -- and it is lifechanging, mofos
high-fiving -- CHECK, but could use a few more
dunking -- NO DICE
drinking iced coffee like it's about to become illegal -- CHECK, HELLS YES CHECK, I've probably had about 25 of 'em
getting bike out of storage and cleaning it up (again) -- NOPE, I haven't even done that
losing weight and burying it in the desert somewhere -- I think I've lost like 14 ounces
going to Chicago? - NOPE
playing lots of basketball -- SEMI-CHECK, about 5 times so far and more to come
going to the beach -- CHECK, one time, but hit the pool about three times as well
drinking a daytime beer or two -- CHECK
stressing about shit that got messed up at work -- CHECK
seeing two movies -- have not seen even one movie yet, but Ma Bungle and I are watching Mad Men Season One on DVD and are totally into it
attending at least 2 professional baseball games -- SEMI-CHECK, one down and plan on one more
sleeping in like 8 times -- CHECK
picking up my police shield -- CHECK
seeing pals in L.A. -- CHECK
seeing pals in SF? -- NOPE
throwing a ball as hard as I can -- NOPE, but there's still time
eliminating my strange back pain -- NOPE, still lingering but not too bad

I have also read about 5 books, some better than others. I highly recommend "Dear American Airlines" -- I bought it in the Hudson News at JFK and it sort of blew me away.

And I've sort of started running a little bit. I gots that Nike+ fitness thing on the iPhone that measures my progress. Running is hard, progress is slow. But there's nowhere to go but up.

Forgotten songs that came up in my newly expanded shuffle and temporarily became official awesome song of HIATUS 2009: "Gentlemen" by Afghan Whigs; "Skull" by Sebadoh; "Prove It" by Television; "Baby C'mon" by Stephen Malkmus; "I Want Your Hands on Me" by Sinead O'Connor; "James" by Josh Rouse; "Sometimes Always" by The Jesus and Mary Chain; "Makes Me Happy" by Perfect.

Tomorrow: Macchiato egg and cheese sandwich and large iced coffee.

And punch Judd Nelson in the face. If I see him.

you don't just have to say every single thing that comes into your head, you know

Yo, checking in. I can't remember going this long without anything to say in a while. And for perhaps the first time ever, I'm acting on the time-tested principle of not saying anything when there's nothing to say. But that leads to no posts in a month, which I think is too long. We can't let readership dwindle from 7 to 5.

Went to California. Had a very good time, a few semi-blogworthy thoughts and experiences but just can't seem to find the energy to post them. Blahdee blahdee. They say when you're in a shooting slump, you need to get a couple layups to restore your confidence. So let me post some quick free garbage for you.

This is for diehard Knicks fans only. For non-Knicks fans, you might consider it The Day The Basketball Died. Two condensed clips of the 1992 Eastern Semifinals, Game 3. So much to watch for, and, if you're an Iron Maiden fan, so much to hear. Click on "HQ" and the video quality will improve a bit. My quick observations:
a. One of the best opens for a sporting event I've ever seen. Marv rules.
b. This might be the most out of control, violent series in NBA history. The majority of the 'highlights' here are missed shots, fouls, blocks, and concussions. There are so many bodies on the floor it looks like a gangland massacre. It's as if they were playing on ice. Ugly ugly ugly. Yet...somehow the intensity almost makes up for it.
c. Gerald Wilkins, like half of his Knicks teammates still rocking the flat-top at least a year past its cultural expiration date, comes through with 2 huge lefty flushes that I had somehow forgotten about completely.
d. Jordan's greatness shines through. While he looks genuinely uncomfortable and nervous at times, like he can't believe the Bulls' 67 win season could go up in smoke to these punks from NY, his competitive edge is overpowering, resulting in the Gatorade Ad power-layup while being Malachi'd by Ewing and McDaniel at 6:35 of part 2.
e. Read the bit about Pat Riley's pregame speech in the video description. He basically ordered a 12 man assault on Jordan, and it wasn't enough. I miss Riley anyway; I've never been more committed, invested, and alive as a sports fan as I was during his 4 year run in NY.
f. The whole game is available on youtube if you are a masochist.





Part 2:



Those with strong stomachs can add their own observations in the comments.