11 random regrets

1. Making cruel homophobic jokes about a kid in junior high. We ended up going to different high schools, and I didn't see him for like three years. Then senior year he randomly showed up at a musical theater performance at my high school, with his biker girlfriend in tow. I tried to avoid eye contact, but was unable to. My next move was to try to be polite and say hi. Like,"My how we've all grown up, how are you doing, old friend?" The first thing he said to me was (nodding towards his girlfriend), "You still think I'm gay?" It seems that maybe he showed up just to say that to me.

2. Paying around $350 for a low-end, tape-based video camera like two years ago.

3. Drunkenly making fun of a rentacop at Taco Bell in like 1991. He shrugged it off and later came to my defense when a townie tried to steal my hat. I would like to expand this short fable into a post of its own at some point, but for now I'll just let it stand for the 966 times I opened my mouth drunk and said the wrong thing.

4. Buying and wearing white linen pants and a white Panama hat in 1987. The accompanying Hawaiian shirt didn't help.

5. Throwing a case of beer off of a bridge in 1991 when some people in the river below started yelling stuff at my friends and me. It took the case like four seconds to hit the water, and it easily could have killed someone. On the bright side, as soon as they heard the splash, the dudes below stopped yelling stuff at us.

6. Failing to ask for anything in 90% of my year-end reviews, including this year's.

7. Generally pussing out countless times in all types of situations.

8. Failing to recognize the greatness of The Replacements until they were gone.

9. Not working hard enough on my leaping ability (jumpsoles, etc.) to dunk. I still want to dunk. I actually have dreams about it sometimes. They are incredible dreams. So real.

10. My second cup of iced coffee today, the one that is still keeping me awake 12 hours after drinking it.

11. Some stupid thing I'll do tomorrow.

Share some of your random regrets if you like.

mullin'

Here are some realizations I've come to since the last time you read my blog:

1) I don't want to manage you. I don't want to have to tell you to show up earlier, or work harder, or that the work you just turned in isn't adequate. I don't want to hear you complain about the big boss, or about the work, or about your unfulfilling life outside this place. I just want you to do your work and smile and be a pro and make a dick joke when the moment is right. Can you do that for me?

2) The Yankees are kind of suck. When I used to think about Joe Girardi, the image that popped into my head was his legs churning as he raced around 2nd base on his way to that huge triple in Game 6 of the 1996 World Series. Now I see him on the top step, arms folded, shades on, looking vaguely pissed off but incapable of doing anything about it. Plus, it's funny to think about all the money they sunk into this team -- Teixeira, Burnett, Sabathia, etc. -- and how it might not mean anything if Douch-rod can't come back effectively. And how when they made those moves they presumably were in the dark both about Douche-rod's injury and his steroid stuff. And if even 1/3 of the crap that's been written about Douche-rod is true, he's a boil on the ass of humanity and it is impossible to root for him to succeed. So I don't see how to pull for this team without sacrficing an even larger part of your soul than usual.

3) I have about the same percentage of my basketball skills left as Grant Hill has of his. Make that Christian Lattner. Make that Christian Welp. Whatever the case, I still love playing and I have a small amount of tasty treats left in my junkbag. Watch out for my sweeping hook.

4) We got a margarita machine at work. Fridays will be frozen margarita days. One work margarita is enough.

5) June 5. I gotta make it to June 5.

6) I was wrong about Pabst beer. My dad was wrong about Pabst beer. It is terrible. End of story.

7) The job I am in now, as hard as it has been, has given me a huge leg up when and if I ever apply for another job. I am 80 times better at this stuff than I was three years ago. I hope you believe me, future employer person.

8) It's better to go to your regular $15 haircut dude, even if it means waiting a week, than to try a new place because it's more convenient.

9) I skip all Clash songs when they come up on shuffle.

10) I will be in California this summer and I plan on doing two of the following three things: L.A., S.F., and Las Vegas.

11) The new Yankee Stadium looks like a minor league park on TV. But not in a cozy and homey way.

12) Twitter is utterly stupid. Facebook is just mostly stupid.

13) Fingernails, a cigarette's a lousy dinner.

14) We really are lucky to have jobs. Especially Ahmad Rashad.

15) My kid can (sort of) write her name.

16) Sports Illustrated is only good when you read it in the dentist's office.

17) I hate Jonathan Papelbon and K-Rod equally.

18) I desperately need a new book to read.

19) I would like to start watching some old flicks on TCM. I am particularly interested in old Paul Newman movies.

20) I haven't watched it in like four years, but I am pretty sure Lost is still a piece of shit.

21) The idea of Texas seceding worries me not at all. I encourage the stupid people of Texas to secede. Stop talking about it and do it. I won't miss you. Vermont, you go too, it'll be cute.

22) The chances that Albert Pujols is not on some kind of PED's are next to nothing and we need to stop celebrating him as if he is clean. I think he is probably a good human and a remarkable player, but he is on something. Something very effective.

23) Rod Strickland is under-represented on youtube.

24) This clip kills me (go 35 seconds in). Marion Ross is no joke.

25) Scanning, like faxing, is an idea that seemed remarkably modern and cool for about two years, and now seems painfully outdated and nearly pointless.

26) Players I dislike who are still active in the NBA playoffs:
Gasol
D. Fisher
Kobe
Farmar
Vujacic
Kenyon Martin
JR Smith

27) Players I really like who are stil active in the NBA playoffs:
Ray Allen
Pierce
Garnett (sort of active)
Rondo
Aaron Brooks (based solely on tonight's performance)
Yao
Battier
Turkoglu

28. Worst announcing in decades?

29. Let's all drink iced coffee Tuesday at 10:37 a.m.

30. It is time to start accepting HIATUS suggestions.