Review: Jesse Stone: Thin Ice
I was sick this weekend, like cholera era sick, so I stretched out on the sofa and took in the latest Tom Selleck TV movie -- Jesse Stone: Thin Ice -- on the ol' DVR. I estimate that 30-35% of CBS's grayheaded primetime viewing audience at any given moment is watching from their deathbeds, so I felt right at home.
I had expectations, but they were modest and they were based almost entirely on my previous Jesse Stone experience. I expected to see Tom Selleck do some of the following things:
-beat dudes up
-drink scotch
-bang a chick or two
-be impossibly handsome
-engage in bad banter loaded with unpleasant sex jokes
-anger the corrupt town leaders of Paradise, MA with his refusal to play by the rules
-shoot some fucker
-say a few sarcastic but loving things to his dog
-end up being right about everything.
Jesse Stone: Thin Ice fulfilled all of my hopes. And then some. You want details? I got details.
Jesse Stone shoots some fucker (non-fatally) in the first scene of the movie, after the fucker shoots Jesse and his buddy (non-fatally). I felt like saying to the fucker, "Fucker, is this your first Jesse Stone flick? Don't you know you don't just shoot Jesse Stone and think you'll get away with it?"
Later, Jesse Stone beats up a bad guy in the bathroom, right after the guy takes a dump. In the middle of the beatdown, the guy asks to see Jesse's badge. Jesse shows it to him. This seems all wrong but Jesse Stone knows a bit more about policework than I do, thank you very much. The only real problem with this scene is that the guy he beats up/down turns out to be the fucker he shot earlier, so you end up feeling sort of cheated. Like you want one more beatdown or shooting or something. Oh shit, I forgot -- he does beat the same guy down again later, so it is two beatdowns and one shooting. All the same guy though.
Jesse engages in painfully bad banter with a medium-sexy internal affairs broad, which sends a clear signal to the audience that bangin' time is fast approaching. He soon bangs her (off camera) and when they are done, he goes to the kitchen and gets a scotch for himself and a coffee for her. They engage in more bad banter as she gets dressed. He sits on the bed drinking scotch in his underwear and indicates verbally that he would like to bang her again at some point in the future. He promises her that his seemingly prodigious banging abilities are but a fraction of what they would be if he hadn't recently been shot in the arm. She tells him she is more than satisfied then leaves, which you kind of think is what he wanted her to do. Unfortunately, this is the only chick he bangs in this one, although he later asks a hot nun out to dinner and she says she'd like that very much. I'm pretty sure he will bang her in the next installment.
Jesse drinks a lot of scotch in this one. After all, he is a recovering alcoholic. He does make some inroads in his attempt to quit, with some help from his ex-cop shrink, played with uncharacteristic restraint by William Devane. Seeing Jesse in therapy is a reminder to the audience that Jesse is way more than a rugged chief of police who is right about everything all along, he is a three dimensional character with feelings and doubts and insecurities. However, he is still a rugged bastard at heart, and he constantly snaps at Devane and keeps the shrink at arm's length. Their bad banter reaches an oddly homoerotic climax when Jesse asks the shrink if he'd like to have dinner sometime, and the shrink says he'd like that very much. They may have sex off camera, it is left for us to decide, but if they do it's just two rugged straight bastards having sex, it is NOT GAY.
Selleck is handsome throughout the film. This does not seem to impress the shitheads who run the local government in Paradise, MA, as they keep bothering him and getting in his way. Luckily, Selleck always has his trusty pooch to keep him company when times get hard. His pooch died in the last movie I saw but I think I missed a couple and he must have gotten a new pooch. This new one: trusty as hell.
There are a lot of other exciting toppings that got thrown onto my slice of Jesse Stone pizza, things I didn't necessarily see coming, such as:
-a subplot about a grieving mother whose child may or may not be alive (Jesse's got a hunch)
-another subplot (or is it the main plot?) about a teenage boy who might be banging his saxophone teacher
-another subplot about a speed trap
-Selleck cutting down a tree with a chainsaw (this could be considered pornography for women over 70)
-Selleck teaching other cops how to be cops
-Selleck kissing the internal affairs chick on the neck in her office -- in plain view of the rest of her officemates -- so she will print out confidential information for him
-Jesse getting suspended without pay
-Jesse refusing to carry a cell phone
-Jesse talking in great detail about his service revolver and ambidextrous safeties and all sorts of gun geek crap that seems to serve no other purpose than to please gun geeks
-Jesse making things right in the end, even at great cost to his personal and professional life
Basically, it's got all the things you look for in a Jesse Stone film, but unfortunately the plot of this one is both kind of lame and kind of confusing. There's a lot going on but none of it is overly dramatic or tense. It almost feels like it's setting the stage for the next Jesse Stone film.
Even though these movies are based on a series of books that Selleck didn't write, he is the Executive Producer and I sense that the movies reflect his views on what is right and proper in the universe. I get the feeling that Selleck's personal philosophy took shape in the 80's, when he was banging even more frequently as Magnum, P.I.
From what I can gather, here are some of his core beliefs:
-Guns are good, as long as good people have them. When bad people have them, ahhh, not so good. Yikes, scary. Can I get back to you on that one?
-When you are attracted to someone, you should at the very least try to bang them.
-Only follow the rules you agree with.
-Women are inferior to men when it comes to solving crimes, issuing beatdowns, and seducing ex-cop shrinks. But for banging purposes, they'll do.
-If you don't have a moustache, you're not really even in the game.
-The people in small towns are ultimately better than the people in big cities, but small towns often elect corrupt community leaders.
-There is a supernatural force in the universe (otherwise how do you explain that moustache?)
-Stay true to your ideals no matter what Rosie O'Donnell says
-Cell phones and all modern gadgets are useless and distract us from what is real and important in life.
It seems like a dated philosophy, almost embarrasingly so, but then you think about it and you're like, dammit Selleck, it works for you. Don't change. Sure, some people can adapt to evolving tastes and sensibilities -- David Bowie comes to mind -- but Nolan Ryan didn't stop throwing fastballs when he turned 40. It was what he knew and it was what we wanted from him. AND IT STILL WORKED. So he kept on bringing the heat until he just physically couldn't do it anymore.
Onward, Jesse Stone.
I had expectations, but they were modest and they were based almost entirely on my previous Jesse Stone experience. I expected to see Tom Selleck do some of the following things:
-beat dudes up
-drink scotch
-bang a chick or two
-be impossibly handsome
-engage in bad banter loaded with unpleasant sex jokes
-anger the corrupt town leaders of Paradise, MA with his refusal to play by the rules
-shoot some fucker
-say a few sarcastic but loving things to his dog
-end up being right about everything.
Jesse Stone: Thin Ice fulfilled all of my hopes. And then some. You want details? I got details.
Jesse Stone shoots some fucker (non-fatally) in the first scene of the movie, after the fucker shoots Jesse and his buddy (non-fatally). I felt like saying to the fucker, "Fucker, is this your first Jesse Stone flick? Don't you know you don't just shoot Jesse Stone and think you'll get away with it?"
Later, Jesse Stone beats up a bad guy in the bathroom, right after the guy takes a dump. In the middle of the beatdown, the guy asks to see Jesse's badge. Jesse shows it to him. This seems all wrong but Jesse Stone knows a bit more about policework than I do, thank you very much. The only real problem with this scene is that the guy he beats up/down turns out to be the fucker he shot earlier, so you end up feeling sort of cheated. Like you want one more beatdown or shooting or something. Oh shit, I forgot -- he does beat the same guy down again later, so it is two beatdowns and one shooting. All the same guy though.
Jesse engages in painfully bad banter with a medium-sexy internal affairs broad, which sends a clear signal to the audience that bangin' time is fast approaching. He soon bangs her (off camera) and when they are done, he goes to the kitchen and gets a scotch for himself and a coffee for her. They engage in more bad banter as she gets dressed. He sits on the bed drinking scotch in his underwear and indicates verbally that he would like to bang her again at some point in the future. He promises her that his seemingly prodigious banging abilities are but a fraction of what they would be if he hadn't recently been shot in the arm. She tells him she is more than satisfied then leaves, which you kind of think is what he wanted her to do. Unfortunately, this is the only chick he bangs in this one, although he later asks a hot nun out to dinner and she says she'd like that very much. I'm pretty sure he will bang her in the next installment.
Jesse drinks a lot of scotch in this one. After all, he is a recovering alcoholic. He does make some inroads in his attempt to quit, with some help from his ex-cop shrink, played with uncharacteristic restraint by William Devane. Seeing Jesse in therapy is a reminder to the audience that Jesse is way more than a rugged chief of police who is right about everything all along, he is a three dimensional character with feelings and doubts and insecurities. However, he is still a rugged bastard at heart, and he constantly snaps at Devane and keeps the shrink at arm's length. Their bad banter reaches an oddly homoerotic climax when Jesse asks the shrink if he'd like to have dinner sometime, and the shrink says he'd like that very much. They may have sex off camera, it is left for us to decide, but if they do it's just two rugged straight bastards having sex, it is NOT GAY.
Selleck is handsome throughout the film. This does not seem to impress the shitheads who run the local government in Paradise, MA, as they keep bothering him and getting in his way. Luckily, Selleck always has his trusty pooch to keep him company when times get hard. His pooch died in the last movie I saw but I think I missed a couple and he must have gotten a new pooch. This new one: trusty as hell.
There are a lot of other exciting toppings that got thrown onto my slice of Jesse Stone pizza, things I didn't necessarily see coming, such as:
-a subplot about a grieving mother whose child may or may not be alive (Jesse's got a hunch)
-another subplot (or is it the main plot?) about a teenage boy who might be banging his saxophone teacher
-another subplot about a speed trap
-Selleck cutting down a tree with a chainsaw (this could be considered pornography for women over 70)
-Selleck teaching other cops how to be cops
-Selleck kissing the internal affairs chick on the neck in her office -- in plain view of the rest of her officemates -- so she will print out confidential information for him
-Jesse getting suspended without pay
-Jesse refusing to carry a cell phone
-Jesse talking in great detail about his service revolver and ambidextrous safeties and all sorts of gun geek crap that seems to serve no other purpose than to please gun geeks
-Jesse making things right in the end, even at great cost to his personal and professional life
Basically, it's got all the things you look for in a Jesse Stone film, but unfortunately the plot of this one is both kind of lame and kind of confusing. There's a lot going on but none of it is overly dramatic or tense. It almost feels like it's setting the stage for the next Jesse Stone film.
Even though these movies are based on a series of books that Selleck didn't write, he is the Executive Producer and I sense that the movies reflect his views on what is right and proper in the universe. I get the feeling that Selleck's personal philosophy took shape in the 80's, when he was banging even more frequently as Magnum, P.I.
From what I can gather, here are some of his core beliefs:
-Guns are good, as long as good people have them. When bad people have them, ahhh, not so good. Yikes, scary. Can I get back to you on that one?
-When you are attracted to someone, you should at the very least try to bang them.
-Only follow the rules you agree with.
-Women are inferior to men when it comes to solving crimes, issuing beatdowns, and seducing ex-cop shrinks. But for banging purposes, they'll do.
-If you don't have a moustache, you're not really even in the game.
-The people in small towns are ultimately better than the people in big cities, but small towns often elect corrupt community leaders.
-There is a supernatural force in the universe (otherwise how do you explain that moustache?)
-Stay true to your ideals no matter what Rosie O'Donnell says
-Cell phones and all modern gadgets are useless and distract us from what is real and important in life.
It seems like a dated philosophy, almost embarrasingly so, but then you think about it and you're like, dammit Selleck, it works for you. Don't change. Sure, some people can adapt to evolving tastes and sensibilities -- David Bowie comes to mind -- but Nolan Ryan didn't stop throwing fastballs when he turned 40. It was what he knew and it was what we wanted from him. AND IT STILL WORKED. So he kept on bringing the heat until he just physically couldn't do it anymore.
Onward, Jesse Stone.
Labels: jesse stone, moustaches, tom selleck
posted by hans q. bungle at 01:10
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