IAQ vol. IV
Q: Why has nobody taken your barside advice and made a documentary or reality series based on Shawn Kemp's Italian league comeback this year?
A: This was a can't-miss idea, I agree. I bet Kemp would have given a camera crew 24/7 access to his 12 months in Italy for like $500,000. For that $500,000, plus various production costs, the world would get to see things like:
-Kemp picking up Italian women in a disco
-Kemp learning Italian/adjusting to cultural differences
-Kemp gorging on pasta and ballooning to 350 pounds
-Fat Kemp struggling to pick up women in a roadside eatery
-Heartbreaking game footage of a player who used to take your breath away now struggling to finish inside against 6'7" Italian dudes
-etc.
Any given episode could move you, make you laugh, maybe even make you horny.
The only problem: his Italian league team cut him before the start of the season. I hope this is not the end for the Reignman. After all, this is a fellow who once dunked a ball so hard on a hoop with a chain net THAT SPARKS FLEW. Plus, reputation aside, I suspect he is a nice guy.
Q: What is your definition of cool? As in, what makes a person seem like they'd be worth getting to know better?
A: I think the most appealing trait a person can have is a total willingness to let go of any pretensions of coolness and instead: rock out, get lost in the moment, play the fool, howl at the moon, ask for help, say something inappropriate, quote the Boz, throw the orange, risk the scorn of others to soak up the pure enjoyment of what's happening. Not surprisingly, when drunk I can do this. I can play the damn fool. It is often accompanied by tremendous shame, but that's OK, shame usually only lasts a week or two. It's the times when I allow fear/the perception of others to dictate my actions that I feel true regret.
Like, if you can make this face, I want to be your pal.
If you want people to think you are cool or hip, you can go suck the big one.
Q: Isn't this actually IAQ vol. III?
A: I don't know and I'm too lazy to go back and look.
Q: What is Bethune-Cookman? More importantly, why is Bethune-Cookman?
A: I dunno, but I went to Carnessecca Fieldhouse or whatever it's called to see them take on St. John's on Sunday. B-C lost. I've also seen then lose to Wisconsin several times. I don't know much about their school (I think it's in Florida), but it seems to me that they always lose. They are like the Washingon Generals of the NCAA. I like them anyway.
Q: What do you think of Damone?
A: He's incredible. I like so many things about Damone (and Robert Romanus, the actor who played him), I will save them for a different post. For starters, I enjoyed his east coast accent, his willingness to go full-frontal (even though the MPAA shot it down because they viewed a penis as an implement of aggression), the fact that he was like 30 when Fast Times came out, the near musicality of his line readings, and that, in a movie that reveals probably 5 examples of pure adolescent truth per minute of screentime, he delivers what might be my favorite moment in the movie (don't make me pick):
Geez, I'm really kinda busy, Rat. (with Leave It to Beaver rerun playing in background.)
Discuss the multitude of ways in which this scene kicks ass or challenge me on this and watch me do it.
Damone? More like Da Man.
Q: Say some lunatic comes up to you on a dark and empty street at like 4am. He starts screaming and shoving you and stuff, and then pulls out a gun and says he's gonna kill you. But he's standing too close to you and in a moment of pure instinctive reaction, you're able to overpower him and throw him to the ground. What follows is basically a movie fight. He fumbles the gun, it goes sliding across the sidewalk just out of reach of both of you. You trade dozens of blows, blood is everywhere. This guy is like a rabid dog, he won't stop coming. He might be on PCP. Finally you get the upper hand and grab his head, slamming it against the ground like 15 times until he submits. You pull yourself together...where is the gun? You crawl over and get it, just as the nutcase starts coming to his senses. He is shaking his face and trying desperately to regain his awareness. He's down, but not completely out. He begins crawling over towards you, slowly, pathetically, as if he's gonna roll over and die. But he keeps crawling. You are now on your feet and you have the gun cocked and pointed at him. You tell him to stop in his tracks or you'll kill him, but he keeps crawling, ever so slowly. There is nobody around to either call 911 for you or witness what is about to happen. Do you kill him?
A: Yes. Just in case you're thinking about testing me.
Q: City or suburbs?
A: I've never lived in the suburbs, so I'm gonna say suburbs.
Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: Realistically, nada. In a dreamworld where you are a billionaire and want to buy me something, maybe something like this. Although I suppose I should learn how to use my camera first.
Q: What should I get for my work secret santa person (max. $25), and also for assorted co-workers (target range $15)?
A: I have no idea but tell me if you get any good ideas because I am in the same spot.
Q: What's your prediction for the week?
A: It's gonna start off like shit, improve slowly through like Wednesday, then on Wednesday afternoon there will be some bullshit crisis that costs you a few grey hairs, but it'll get sorted out and the last day and a half of the workweek will be a breeze.
A: This was a can't-miss idea, I agree. I bet Kemp would have given a camera crew 24/7 access to his 12 months in Italy for like $500,000. For that $500,000, plus various production costs, the world would get to see things like:
-Kemp picking up Italian women in a disco
-Kemp learning Italian/adjusting to cultural differences
-Kemp gorging on pasta and ballooning to 350 pounds
-Fat Kemp struggling to pick up women in a roadside eatery
-Heartbreaking game footage of a player who used to take your breath away now struggling to finish inside against 6'7" Italian dudes
-etc.
Any given episode could move you, make you laugh, maybe even make you horny.
The only problem: his Italian league team cut him before the start of the season. I hope this is not the end for the Reignman. After all, this is a fellow who once dunked a ball so hard on a hoop with a chain net THAT SPARKS FLEW. Plus, reputation aside, I suspect he is a nice guy.
Q: What is your definition of cool? As in, what makes a person seem like they'd be worth getting to know better?
A: I think the most appealing trait a person can have is a total willingness to let go of any pretensions of coolness and instead: rock out, get lost in the moment, play the fool, howl at the moon, ask for help, say something inappropriate, quote the Boz, throw the orange, risk the scorn of others to soak up the pure enjoyment of what's happening. Not surprisingly, when drunk I can do this. I can play the damn fool. It is often accompanied by tremendous shame, but that's OK, shame usually only lasts a week or two. It's the times when I allow fear/the perception of others to dictate my actions that I feel true regret.
Like, if you can make this face, I want to be your pal.
If you want people to think you are cool or hip, you can go suck the big one.
Q: Isn't this actually IAQ vol. III?
A: I don't know and I'm too lazy to go back and look.
Q: What is Bethune-Cookman? More importantly, why is Bethune-Cookman?
A: I dunno, but I went to Carnessecca Fieldhouse or whatever it's called to see them take on St. John's on Sunday. B-C lost. I've also seen then lose to Wisconsin several times. I don't know much about their school (I think it's in Florida), but it seems to me that they always lose. They are like the Washingon Generals of the NCAA. I like them anyway.
Q: What do you think of Damone?
A: He's incredible. I like so many things about Damone (and Robert Romanus, the actor who played him), I will save them for a different post. For starters, I enjoyed his east coast accent, his willingness to go full-frontal (even though the MPAA shot it down because they viewed a penis as an implement of aggression), the fact that he was like 30 when Fast Times came out, the near musicality of his line readings, and that, in a movie that reveals probably 5 examples of pure adolescent truth per minute of screentime, he delivers what might be my favorite moment in the movie (don't make me pick):
Geez, I'm really kinda busy, Rat. (with Leave It to Beaver rerun playing in background.)
Discuss the multitude of ways in which this scene kicks ass or challenge me on this and watch me do it.
Damone? More like Da Man.
Q: Say some lunatic comes up to you on a dark and empty street at like 4am. He starts screaming and shoving you and stuff, and then pulls out a gun and says he's gonna kill you. But he's standing too close to you and in a moment of pure instinctive reaction, you're able to overpower him and throw him to the ground. What follows is basically a movie fight. He fumbles the gun, it goes sliding across the sidewalk just out of reach of both of you. You trade dozens of blows, blood is everywhere. This guy is like a rabid dog, he won't stop coming. He might be on PCP. Finally you get the upper hand and grab his head, slamming it against the ground like 15 times until he submits. You pull yourself together...where is the gun? You crawl over and get it, just as the nutcase starts coming to his senses. He is shaking his face and trying desperately to regain his awareness. He's down, but not completely out. He begins crawling over towards you, slowly, pathetically, as if he's gonna roll over and die. But he keeps crawling. You are now on your feet and you have the gun cocked and pointed at him. You tell him to stop in his tracks or you'll kill him, but he keeps crawling, ever so slowly. There is nobody around to either call 911 for you or witness what is about to happen. Do you kill him?
A: Yes. Just in case you're thinking about testing me.
Q: City or suburbs?
A: I've never lived in the suburbs, so I'm gonna say suburbs.
Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: Realistically, nada. In a dreamworld where you are a billionaire and want to buy me something, maybe something like this. Although I suppose I should learn how to use my camera first.
Q: What should I get for my work secret santa person (max. $25), and also for assorted co-workers (target range $15)?
A: I have no idea but tell me if you get any good ideas because I am in the same spot.
Q: What's your prediction for the week?
A: It's gonna start off like shit, improve slowly through like Wednesday, then on Wednesday afternoon there will be some bullshit crisis that costs you a few grey hairs, but it'll get sorted out and the last day and a half of the workweek will be a breeze.
Labels: IAQ
posted by hans q. bungle at 02:11
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